Have not written in over a month. Lets just say life was winning over me and now it is losing but still fighting.
There is so much in my heart, I do not even know where to began.
My heart hurts, my soul trembles, I feel so lost.
I love Jesus with all my heart, but have I truly found His Joy?
I am questioning it now.
If I had found it, wouldn't I be ok? Not going through the rollercoaster of emotions? Would I not always be joyful and not have these depression parts once or twice a month? Since you know happiness is temporary.
What is it that is dragging me down? What is making me so vulnerable to my emotions, vulnerable to the pain?
All I want is to be happy forever and truly feel it, to truly live it out and not fight with this pain, this sorrow, this abandonment.
Lately I been feeling like God is not there again, like he has abandon me, but I know he hasn't I know I have let myself back away from Him. I do not know how, I think I do but I do not know for sure. I just want to know He still loves me, I KNOW HE DOES I KNOW, but I want to feel it, I want to see it, I want to hear it, I want be told by Him.
With a life where I have been hurt and or abandon by my own family especially my parents, it is hard to know the true love a parent. God is my Father, my Mother, my real parent but I need to know the love much more.
I hate that I am testing Him, I know I should just know that He does and accept it, but I just need to know, like a baby needs to know someone loves them by touch and words. I am a child in need of a parent's love.
I wonder if my life really does show who Jesus is? Does it show that God loves you?
All these scars in my life is it real enough, were they worth it? Yes, Yes they are. Everything I have gone through is for my Lord who loves me. I do not hate these scars, I have no shame for I know I am free and pure. What is the point of living in darkness? I need out, full out.
God,
I just pray that you come and save me from this darkness that is so gripping.
Come and tell me, come and show me, come and touch me.
I need to know, I need to see, I need to feel.
I wait for you my Lord.
I will step back but I will never part away.
I know I am a step back right now but please may you take the step forward this time.
Grab me and hug me, whisper your words into me. I need you.
My heart, my soul, my whole being desires you.
Come Father come.
Amen
