Have not written in over a month. Lets just say life was winning over me and now it is losing but still fighting.
There is so much in my heart, I do not even know where to began.
My heart hurts, my soul trembles, I feel so lost.
I love Jesus with all my heart, but have I truly found His Joy?
I am questioning it now.
If I had found it, wouldn't I be ok? Not going through the rollercoaster of emotions? Would I not always be joyful and not have these depression parts once or twice a month? Since you know happiness is temporary.
What is it that is dragging me down? What is making me so vulnerable to my emotions, vulnerable to the pain?
All I want is to be happy forever and truly feel it, to truly live it out and not fight with this pain, this sorrow, this abandonment.
Lately I been feeling like God is not there again, like he has abandon me, but I know he hasn't I know I have let myself back away from Him. I do not know how, I think I do but I do not know for sure. I just want to know He still loves me, I KNOW HE DOES I KNOW, but I want to feel it, I want to see it, I want to hear it, I want be told by Him.
With a life where I have been hurt and or abandon by my own family especially my parents, it is hard to know the true love a parent. God is my Father, my Mother, my real parent but I need to know the love much more.
I hate that I am testing Him, I know I should just know that He does and accept it, but I just need to know, like a baby needs to know someone loves them by touch and words. I am a child in need of a parent's love.
I wonder if my life really does show who Jesus is? Does it show that God loves you?
All these scars in my life is it real enough, were they worth it? Yes, Yes they are. Everything I have gone through is for my Lord who loves me. I do not hate these scars, I have no shame for I know I am free and pure. What is the point of living in darkness? I need out, full out.
God,
I just pray that you come and save me from this darkness that is so gripping.
Come and tell me, come and show me, come and touch me.
I need to know, I need to see, I need to feel.
I wait for you my Lord.
I will step back but I will never part away.
I know I am a step back right now but please may you take the step forward this time.
Grab me and hug me, whisper your words into me. I need you.
My heart, my soul, my whole being desires you.
Come Father come.
Amen
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Grace will win this for me.
So a lot has been happening but I feel like a new person.
As if I have nothing to worry about anymore. Spending the week with Diann at her house and just being alone in a room for while between work on Friday and Saturday was amazing. Phone turned off, no internet, just my bible and me.
I been trying to debate if I am suppose to go to IhopU this August and not finish my associates or do I go through it all and fight through the boredom and hatred of school and graduate in December.
I have decided to stay unless God throws me off and screams at me "NO YOU LEAVE IN AUGUST!" There is no other way that I am going to leave till December.
I am going through a lot of changing right now, from the way I dress and look (trying to look more mature), from depending on God more and let Him change me and my desires. Leading me more into knowing the man He has picked for me. Letting Him speak to me more through His written words.
I really want summer to come though almost done with school :) Yay! Till next fall or maybe July may take two online classes.
O my dove, in the clefts of the rock,
In the Secret places of the cliff,
Let me see your face,
Let me hear your voice;
For your voice is sweet,
And your face is lovely.
~Song of Solomon 2:14
I may not be a perfect man but I’ll still stand
Yeah I’m counting on grace to win this race for me in the end
~ A Perfect Voice - The Classic Crime.
As if I have nothing to worry about anymore. Spending the week with Diann at her house and just being alone in a room for while between work on Friday and Saturday was amazing. Phone turned off, no internet, just my bible and me.
I been trying to debate if I am suppose to go to IhopU this August and not finish my associates or do I go through it all and fight through the boredom and hatred of school and graduate in December.
I have decided to stay unless God throws me off and screams at me "NO YOU LEAVE IN AUGUST!" There is no other way that I am going to leave till December.
I am going through a lot of changing right now, from the way I dress and look (trying to look more mature), from depending on God more and let Him change me and my desires. Leading me more into knowing the man He has picked for me. Letting Him speak to me more through His written words.
I really want summer to come though almost done with school :) Yay! Till next fall or maybe July may take two online classes.
O my dove, in the clefts of the rock,
In the Secret places of the cliff,
Let me see your face,
Let me hear your voice;
For your voice is sweet,
And your face is lovely.
~Song of Solomon 2:14
I may not be a perfect man but I’ll still stand
Yeah I’m counting on grace to win this race for me in the end
~ A Perfect Voice - The Classic Crime.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
The end of it.
Sometimes I wonder why I am like this.
Where I get the attitude I just do not care anymore about anything.
This is how I feel, the confusion leads me to hell.
I have no place to rest in this confusion.
It is as if I am just standing in a room full of doors.
Moving my head around and around
Spinning around and around
Which door? Which door?
Where is the key? Which door will unlocked?
Where is my heart?
Where is my mind?
Where is my soul?
All in this confusion, tears stream down my face.
The light is blinding me.
The darkness is over powering me.
Everyone watching, waiting for me to walk through the door.
The spot light shining through the darkness.
Those watching do not see that the darkness is full.
Full of lies, full of pain, full of sorrow.
The thoughts that run through my mind.
Never will I know what they are.
To many to many to many to care.
Their touch is burning, their touch is pain.
Lord I have no where else to go.
Lord I fall on my knees to your feet.
Lord these tears come and wipe them away.
Lord open the door to my path.
Where do I go I can not go anymore longer.
The pain Lord you know how I feel
Lord you know the thoughts running through my mind
The thoughts I can not even capture.
I am in so at the brink of this life,
Lord give me a new life, a new will to keep going.
A new heart so I can love like you do.
Give me the obedience Lord to keep running this path.
Give me the words to sing through this darkness.
Let me shine as a testimony with only your light.
Not with the light of this world.
"So I will run into Your open arms I've got nowhere else to go."
~The Count by The Classic crime.
Where I get the attitude I just do not care anymore about anything.
This is how I feel, the confusion leads me to hell.
I have no place to rest in this confusion.
It is as if I am just standing in a room full of doors.
Moving my head around and around
Spinning around and around
Which door? Which door?
Where is the key? Which door will unlocked?
Where is my heart?
Where is my mind?
Where is my soul?
All in this confusion, tears stream down my face.
The light is blinding me.
The darkness is over powering me.
Everyone watching, waiting for me to walk through the door.
The spot light shining through the darkness.
Those watching do not see that the darkness is full.
Full of lies, full of pain, full of sorrow.
The thoughts that run through my mind.
Never will I know what they are.
To many to many to many to care.
Their touch is burning, their touch is pain.
Lord I have no where else to go.
Lord I fall on my knees to your feet.
Lord these tears come and wipe them away.
Lord open the door to my path.
Where do I go I can not go anymore longer.
The pain Lord you know how I feel
Lord you know the thoughts running through my mind
The thoughts I can not even capture.
I am in so at the brink of this life,
Lord give me a new life, a new will to keep going.
A new heart so I can love like you do.
Give me the obedience Lord to keep running this path.
Give me the words to sing through this darkness.
Let me shine as a testimony with only your light.
Not with the light of this world.
"So I will run into Your open arms I've got nowhere else to go."
~The Count by The Classic crime.
Monday, April 05, 2010
Not me.
I just can not figure out anything right now, my mind is so juggled with so many thoughts. I can not even think straight, I do not know how I feel, what I should be thinking at the moment, I am about to explode. I am having to fake it when I am with my father, he thinks I am just tired. I am not tired... I am a mess.
I can not stop crying I hope he does not come in and see me crying. How do I speak to a father who loves me but does not understand the spirit?
All I can say is... I just don't know.
That is the best way I can explain how I feel.
I want all of this to pass, I want to be all smiles and not have to fake it to the world that I am not falling apart. It hurts to be sitting here on the floor of my room crying my eyes out typing out my heart with no one going to read it or know the truth.
Lets just say I "hate" God for not giving me a Christian family, I hate it and I want to know why He did this to me and I do not want to hear "Because God knew you could handle it"... bullcrap. I clearly can not handle it and it is the thing that leads me to the breaking point, always.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I clearly need someone to comfort me, I need someone to encourage me, I need someone. I know God can do this but I need some physically, in front of me.
I hate that I have to go to people who are not my real parents, why can I not just go to my father here at home?
Well duh because God gave you an unbelieving father.
Why not your mother?
Well it kind of does not help that your own mother doesn't speak to you.
Sisters?
Two sister gone. My oldest sister, not believer either
Stepmom?
Well because she doesn't even speak to me and is more of an unbeliever that any of the above.
All alone in this big world.
I hate it.
I want to scream more than anything.
I want to punch something.
All this anger, all this saddness, all this pain, all these thoughts, all this darkness, it scares me.
I do not like being like this, I feel like the person I was when I was not saved.
I just can not stop crying. I feel so horrible. I do not like how I am feeling or acting. It is not me, not the Mary who is in Christ.
Like if something other than Me in Jesus is consuming me.
My spirit is so troubled.
I just feel like God has just abandon me on the side of the road in the desert.
I know He hasn't I know He is around. I know He wants me, I know He is hurting with me. I know He loves me. I know He cares. I know. I know. I know. You do not have to tell me.
But I just feel like He is not around.
I feel so alone in this big world, so alone.
I am so scared.
I know that my God is an Awesome God.
But there is to much darkness.
In Christ,
Mary L D.
I can not stop crying I hope he does not come in and see me crying. How do I speak to a father who loves me but does not understand the spirit?
All I can say is... I just don't know.
That is the best way I can explain how I feel.
I want all of this to pass, I want to be all smiles and not have to fake it to the world that I am not falling apart. It hurts to be sitting here on the floor of my room crying my eyes out typing out my heart with no one going to read it or know the truth.
Lets just say I "hate" God for not giving me a Christian family, I hate it and I want to know why He did this to me and I do not want to hear "Because God knew you could handle it"... bullcrap. I clearly can not handle it and it is the thing that leads me to the breaking point, always.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I clearly need someone to comfort me, I need someone to encourage me, I need someone. I know God can do this but I need some physically, in front of me.
I hate that I have to go to people who are not my real parents, why can I not just go to my father here at home?
Well duh because God gave you an unbelieving father.
Why not your mother?
Well it kind of does not help that your own mother doesn't speak to you.
Sisters?
Two sister gone. My oldest sister, not believer either
Stepmom?
Well because she doesn't even speak to me and is more of an unbeliever that any of the above.
All alone in this big world.
I hate it.
I want to scream more than anything.
I want to punch something.
All this anger, all this saddness, all this pain, all these thoughts, all this darkness, it scares me.
I do not like being like this, I feel like the person I was when I was not saved.
I just can not stop crying. I feel so horrible. I do not like how I am feeling or acting. It is not me, not the Mary who is in Christ.
Like if something other than Me in Jesus is consuming me.
My spirit is so troubled.
I just feel like God has just abandon me on the side of the road in the desert.
I know He hasn't I know He is around. I know He wants me, I know He is hurting with me. I know He loves me. I know He cares. I know. I know. I know. You do not have to tell me.
But I just feel like He is not around.
I feel so alone in this big world, so alone.
I am so scared.
I know that my God is an Awesome God.
But there is to much darkness.
In Christ,
Mary L D.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
One thing missing.
Its been a while I know i am sorry... I got a new job.... at Freebirds.
I am so tired.... already 39 hours and I only asked for 25-30 :/ I am so dead... so much homework.... I am behind... AHHHHHHHH
So I cried alot this morning... I just... lets say hate my life right now. I want to give up and hide in a corner and cry till I die... I am so tired... physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I am tired of hearing people's crap and their problems. Why do people always have to come to me? Do I have a big sign on my head that says "COME TO ME WITH YOUR PROBLEMS AND I WILL SAVE YOU?" NOOOOOOOO I am not Jesus.... It is like come on.... You are Christian... You know you need to go to Jesus with this and stop coming to me with the same problem over and over again when I have tried to help you and have given you advice! It is like seriously!
I sound so mean I know but I am running on little right now and my own heart is breaking right now. I myself am falling apart and I have no one to go to. The awesome woman of God that I go to is to far and she is busy too, so it is hard to talk to her. Then Mrs. Breaux my awesome "Mother" is busy too and we barely can talk. I just want to scream at everyone that comes to me and tell them to leave me alone!
I just can't handle other problems right now when I can not handle mine. I know it is most likely my fault because I have not spent time with God :(
I just can't handle this anymore.
It is hard working at freebirds, so draining physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I need Jesus to survive there and I have not been feeding myself The Word.
It is not only that but like I hate holidays a lot. Because it is all about family and I really do not have one. Seeing people at my church with their entire family together and have plans already is a stab in the heart. Not only people at church but also non believers get together with family on the holidays. It hurts seeing them all together and all I want is a family. To sit and have food with and enjoy the day. But no I have to wake up early, get ready to go to church and go alone. Then walk into church with everyone with their family (kids back from school or family in town) and me sitting there alone it hurts.
I could not stop crying at church, it hurts so much. I think I am going to switch church and find one that has more teens/young adults. I just can not handle the big family church. It hurts to much, always has hurts and it is getting worse.
The Lindsey family came to church today so it made me happy I got to sit and cry in Mr. Terry Lindsey arms during church. I love that family, they are seriously my spiritual family, they even told me a while back that they have "adopted" me :) Now I just wish I could really live with them permanently.
This is why I want to be married already... To be part of something I could call My Family.
Not because I am tired of being single, I am actually happy being single.
I want more in my life Lord
More of Your touch
More of Your voice
More of Your presences
Lord come soon
I can not make it anymore
I need a hand to guide me
I need someone to carry me
I need someone to wipe these tears away
My heart is breaking
My light is dimming
This darkness is consuming.
I need something beautiful
Something that will show me
Show me this is worth living through.
I need you more than ever.
My heart knows you
My mind knows you
But my spirit is a stranger
My heart knows you love me
My mind knows you love me
But please tell my spirit.
One thing is missing
Your spirit meeting mine.
In Christ,
Mary L D
I am so tired.... already 39 hours and I only asked for 25-30 :/ I am so dead... so much homework.... I am behind... AHHHHHHHH
So I cried alot this morning... I just... lets say hate my life right now. I want to give up and hide in a corner and cry till I die... I am so tired... physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I am tired of hearing people's crap and their problems. Why do people always have to come to me? Do I have a big sign on my head that says "COME TO ME WITH YOUR PROBLEMS AND I WILL SAVE YOU?" NOOOOOOOO I am not Jesus.... It is like come on.... You are Christian... You know you need to go to Jesus with this and stop coming to me with the same problem over and over again when I have tried to help you and have given you advice! It is like seriously!
I sound so mean I know but I am running on little right now and my own heart is breaking right now. I myself am falling apart and I have no one to go to. The awesome woman of God that I go to is to far and she is busy too, so it is hard to talk to her. Then Mrs. Breaux my awesome "Mother" is busy too and we barely can talk. I just want to scream at everyone that comes to me and tell them to leave me alone!
I just can't handle other problems right now when I can not handle mine. I know it is most likely my fault because I have not spent time with God :(
I just can't handle this anymore.
It is hard working at freebirds, so draining physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I need Jesus to survive there and I have not been feeding myself The Word.
It is not only that but like I hate holidays a lot. Because it is all about family and I really do not have one. Seeing people at my church with their entire family together and have plans already is a stab in the heart. Not only people at church but also non believers get together with family on the holidays. It hurts seeing them all together and all I want is a family. To sit and have food with and enjoy the day. But no I have to wake up early, get ready to go to church and go alone. Then walk into church with everyone with their family (kids back from school or family in town) and me sitting there alone it hurts.
I could not stop crying at church, it hurts so much. I think I am going to switch church and find one that has more teens/young adults. I just can not handle the big family church. It hurts to much, always has hurts and it is getting worse.
The Lindsey family came to church today so it made me happy I got to sit and cry in Mr. Terry Lindsey arms during church. I love that family, they are seriously my spiritual family, they even told me a while back that they have "adopted" me :) Now I just wish I could really live with them permanently.
This is why I want to be married already... To be part of something I could call My Family.
Not because I am tired of being single, I am actually happy being single.
I want more in my life Lord
More of Your touch
More of Your voice
More of Your presences
Lord come soon
I can not make it anymore
I need a hand to guide me
I need someone to carry me
I need someone to wipe these tears away
My heart is breaking
My light is dimming
This darkness is consuming.
I need something beautiful
Something that will show me
Show me this is worth living through.
I need you more than ever.
My heart knows you
My mind knows you
But my spirit is a stranger
My heart knows you love me
My mind knows you love me
But please tell my spirit.
One thing is missing
Your spirit meeting mine.
In Christ,
Mary L D
Friday, March 19, 2010
Job
But He is unique and who can turn Him? And what His soul desires, that He does. For He performs what is appointed for me, And many such decrees are with Him. Therefore, I would be dismayed at His presence; When I consider, I am terrified of Him. It is God who has made my heart faint, And the Almighty who has dismayed me, But I am not silenced by the darkness, Nor deep gloom which covers me. ~ Job 23:13-17
I give it all to you God all to you... teach me your ways, show me, tell me, touch me, I need you.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I Need You
Lord my heart is breaking so much right now
I have so many things on my mind,
why am I going through this again
I know I must suffer because Jesus suffered,
But why do I have this family
There is no encouragement, no happiness, no love, no true love, just worldly love
God I just want to get out of this place, I want to run away
I need to be alone, I need a new life.
I need you to come and take me away
I need you to come and provide
My heart hurts so much God,
My Soul is so distressed, it is so weak
I know I am pure
I know I am beautiful
I know I am yours
But the world Lord is stronger than me now
I need your strength again
I am being dirtied by them again
I am becoming dull and it is heavy
Lord come and take it away
Lord come and let me fly among the angels
I need your peace, I need your love
I need your forest,
I need to see your beauty still exist in this world
I need you
~Mary L D
I need to know that this is true...
In Christ,
Mary L D
I have so many things on my mind,
why am I going through this again
I know I must suffer because Jesus suffered,
But why do I have this family
There is no encouragement, no happiness, no love, no true love, just worldly love
God I just want to get out of this place, I want to run away
I need to be alone, I need a new life.
I need you to come and take me away
I need you to come and provide
My heart hurts so much God,
My Soul is so distressed, it is so weak
I know I am pure
I know I am beautiful
I know I am yours
But the world Lord is stronger than me now
I need your strength again
I am being dirtied by them again
I am becoming dull and it is heavy
Lord come and take it away
Lord come and let me fly among the angels
I need your peace, I need your love
I need your forest,
I need to see your beauty still exist in this world
I need you
~Mary L D
I need to know that this is true...
"The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name." Psalm 23:1-3
In Christ,Mary L D
Monday, March 15, 2010
Blessing Distraction
I never met someone who could distract me like he does (other than My Lord). I never met anyone who could make me smile like he does (other than my Lord). I never met anyone who changed my life (other than My Lord).
The feelings were rushing in the night before I saw you
My flesh was smiling wanting you
My heart beat as if you were in the room
I screamed at God, pleading with Him
I prayed unceasing for my heart to be guarded
The mark you left in my heart
Seems to never go away nor rub off.
Why do you do this to me?
I saw you the next day
I smiled as I saw you walking down towards me
My heart went off again
Do you even know what I was thinking?
As you looked right at me
As you smiled at me
As you came to me
I want to cry every time I see you
Because something in me wants you
I fought hard, with unceasing prayer
Just so I won't fall for you
It worked.
Still you are on my mind again
I capture my thoughts and give it to God
He tells me everything is going to be ok
You are such a distraction to me
You are so beautiful
You are so amazing
Do you know this?
I wonder at times why is it you, only you?
How did I let this happen?
Was it all in God's plan?
You drive me insane
But the mention of your name makes me smile.
My heart is guarded
With God's perfect love
But you are still one distraction,
That is a blessing in my life.
~Mary L D
In Christ,
Mary L D
The feelings were rushing in the night before I saw you
My flesh was smiling wanting you
My heart beat as if you were in the room
I screamed at God, pleading with Him
I prayed unceasing for my heart to be guarded
The mark you left in my heart
Seems to never go away nor rub off.
Why do you do this to me?
I saw you the next day
I smiled as I saw you walking down towards me
My heart went off again
Do you even know what I was thinking?
As you looked right at me
As you smiled at me
As you came to me
I want to cry every time I see you
Because something in me wants you
I fought hard, with unceasing prayer
Just so I won't fall for you
It worked.
Still you are on my mind again
I capture my thoughts and give it to God
He tells me everything is going to be ok
You are such a distraction to me
You are so beautiful
You are so amazing
Do you know this?
I wonder at times why is it you, only you?
How did I let this happen?
Was it all in God's plan?
You drive me insane
But the mention of your name makes me smile.
My heart is guarded
With God's perfect love
But you are still one distraction,
That is a blessing in my life.
~Mary L D
In Christ,
Mary L D
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Sunrise
As I sit there in the horizon of the morning sun
The birds start to awake, chirps here and there
The trees stand still waiting for the sun to come forward
The breeze starts to come, awakening.
The birds start to sing, one after another they join
They seem to sing praises to the one who created them.
Each one singing a different love song.
The trees start to sway, awakening as the sun rises.
They lean towards the sun, dancing with their love.
My spirit starts to awake as the breeze wraps around me.
My Lord is with me.
Weeping may last for a night
but joy comes in the morning
The sun arises patiently, His beauty showing
He overcomes the darkness with His Glory
His warmth overcoming the bitter cold of the night
The day comes and He watches over us
The day comes and no one sees His love.
The day comes and goes
His love and faithfulness is everlasting.
~Mary L D
In Christ,
Mary L D
The birds start to awake, chirps here and there
The trees stand still waiting for the sun to come forward
The breeze starts to come, awakening.
The birds start to sing, one after another they join
They seem to sing praises to the one who created them.
Each one singing a different love song.
The trees start to sway, awakening as the sun rises.
They lean towards the sun, dancing with their love.
My spirit starts to awake as the breeze wraps around me.
My Lord is with me.
Weeping may last for a night
but joy comes in the morning
The sun arises patiently, His beauty showing
He overcomes the darkness with His Glory
His warmth overcoming the bitter cold of the night
The day comes and He watches over us
The day comes and no one sees His love.
The day comes and goes
His love and faithfulness is everlasting.
~Mary L D
In Christ,
Mary L D
Friday, March 12, 2010
Salt In the Snow
Dear Father God,
I just do not know what to do, I feel like crap. I love you so much, I know I do, but I feel sick. I feel like "The whole head is sick, and the whole heart faints, From the sole of the foot even in the head. There is no soundness in it, but wounds and bruises and putrefying sores; They have not been closed or bound up, or soothed with ointment." (Isaiah 1: 6) I know you love me, but there is something in me that is keeping me from you, there are memories good and bad battling for top spot. My soul cries out to you lord, but sometimes it feels like you are not listening anymore. I feel like I have let you down, more than anything. My soul cries out to you Lord to come, I need to know you love me truly, to know you forgive me. The reminders of my past visions of when you were with me, or carrying me is not enough. They are winning over the reminders of my flesh past but still very feeble. Lord why did you not come this past weekend? I cried to much, it made me more sorrow it opened up my wounds, bruises and sores. Why have you let them open again? No it wasn't you who opened them, it was me. God why have I done such a thing? Please Lord the enemy attacks with lies, he attacks so much scratching at my sores. I want to know you Lord again. I want to feel you. As I read the first chapter of Isaiah all through I feel like the city.
"How the faithful city has become a harlot! It was full of justice; Righteousness lodged in it, but now murderers." (Isaiah 1:21) I feel like this is what I have done to you. I feel like I have turned against what is You, my flesh is beckoning to come back, I will not but it is so hard... I am at the line fighting myself to stay on your side Lord. I can not do this, You need to come, I need you to come more than anything.
I know you will come I know I am pure in your eyes, because of Jesus. I know he died for me, I know you love me. I know all of that in my mind and my heart, but my soul seems to still be on the battle field.
"Ah, I will rid Myself of My adversaries, And take vengeance on My enemies. I will turn My hand against you, And thoroughly purge away your dross, And take away all your alloy. I will restore your judges as at the first, And your counselors as at the beginning. Afterward you shall be called the city of righteousness, the faithful city." (Isaiah 1:24-26) “ Come now, and let us reason together, Says the LORD, Though your sins are like scarlet, They shall be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, They shall be as wool" (Isaiah 1:18) I pray right now this is a season where you are just breaking me over and over and over to make me into a much more stronger vase. I feel like my vase has water dripping out of cracks, nothing is staying in. I am so thirsty for you Lord, please come to me soon. I am always yours, you know my heart, you know what I need. You know the tears I am crying. Please come and restore me, make me feel white as snow. Make me feel like a righteous and faithful "city" again.
God please come I need you more than anything. I need you.
Give me wings,
Give me peace.
These are the things that I need.
I'm tormented, broken and shamed
Are you listening? (Are you listening)?
Give me shelter from the storm,
I know it's a lot to ask for,
Considering how recent I've piled the dirt on your name.
Are you listening? (Are you listening)?
Are you listening?
~The Classic Crime - Salt In the Snow.
Salt In the Snow (Song) <---- click to hear the song.
My real estate
My life is dull
And dried up like the sound
A voice makes when the heart grows cold
And it’s going that way
~ The Classic Crime - Seattle
Seattle (Song) <----click to hear the song.
I love The Classic Crime, there new release songs are the way I been feeling...
In Christ,
Mary L D
I just do not know what to do, I feel like crap. I love you so much, I know I do, but I feel sick. I feel like "The whole head is sick, and the whole heart faints, From the sole of the foot even in the head. There is no soundness in it, but wounds and bruises and putrefying sores; They have not been closed or bound up, or soothed with ointment." (Isaiah 1: 6) I know you love me, but there is something in me that is keeping me from you, there are memories good and bad battling for top spot. My soul cries out to you lord, but sometimes it feels like you are not listening anymore. I feel like I have let you down, more than anything. My soul cries out to you Lord to come, I need to know you love me truly, to know you forgive me. The reminders of my past visions of when you were with me, or carrying me is not enough. They are winning over the reminders of my flesh past but still very feeble. Lord why did you not come this past weekend? I cried to much, it made me more sorrow it opened up my wounds, bruises and sores. Why have you let them open again? No it wasn't you who opened them, it was me. God why have I done such a thing? Please Lord the enemy attacks with lies, he attacks so much scratching at my sores. I want to know you Lord again. I want to feel you. As I read the first chapter of Isaiah all through I feel like the city.
"How the faithful city has become a harlot! It was full of justice; Righteousness lodged in it, but now murderers." (Isaiah 1:21) I feel like this is what I have done to you. I feel like I have turned against what is You, my flesh is beckoning to come back, I will not but it is so hard... I am at the line fighting myself to stay on your side Lord. I can not do this, You need to come, I need you to come more than anything.
I know you will come I know I am pure in your eyes, because of Jesus. I know he died for me, I know you love me. I know all of that in my mind and my heart, but my soul seems to still be on the battle field.
"Ah, I will rid Myself of My adversaries, And take vengeance on My enemies. I will turn My hand against you, And thoroughly purge away your dross, And take away all your alloy. I will restore your judges as at the first, And your counselors as at the beginning. Afterward you shall be called the city of righteousness, the faithful city." (Isaiah 1:24-26) “ Come now, and let us reason together, Says the LORD, Though your sins are like scarlet, They shall be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, They shall be as wool" (Isaiah 1:18) I pray right now this is a season where you are just breaking me over and over and over to make me into a much more stronger vase. I feel like my vase has water dripping out of cracks, nothing is staying in. I am so thirsty for you Lord, please come to me soon. I am always yours, you know my heart, you know what I need. You know the tears I am crying. Please come and restore me, make me feel white as snow. Make me feel like a righteous and faithful "city" again.
God please come I need you more than anything. I need you.
Give me wings,
Give me peace.
These are the things that I need.
I'm tormented, broken and shamed
Are you listening? (Are you listening)?
Give me shelter from the storm,
I know it's a lot to ask for,
Considering how recent I've piled the dirt on your name.
Are you listening? (Are you listening)?
Are you listening?
~The Classic Crime - Salt In the Snow.
Salt In the Snow (Song) <---- click to hear the song.
My real estate
My life is dull
And dried up like the sound
A voice makes when the heart grows cold
And it’s going that way
~ The Classic Crime - Seattle
Seattle (Song) <----click to hear the song.
I love The Classic Crime, there new release songs are the way I been feeling...
In Christ,
Mary L D
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Thunderstorm
The rumbles of the thunder how aggressive it is.
It's a sweet sound to my ears Lord
Your heart is breaking as you scream "I LOVE YOU"
"COME TO ME! I LOVE YOU"
Your blessings, grace, and mercy are your tears.
Crying and reaching out to your children
How you are jealous for our Love
our attention
our soul
You stand there in the rain crying
You say this thunderstorm is how you feel
Do you not see that God is here?
Do you not feel Him on your face?
Do you not hear His voice?
Open your ears and hear.
Awaken your body feel Him in every drop.
Open your heart and see Him.
You stand there tears streaming down your face
The rain falling camouflaging your tears
The Lord is not tricked, He sees your every tear
He is counting them all one by one and will not miss one.
Open your heart, awaken your body, open your ears.
He is touching you and speaking to you.
He is all around you.
He awaits for your return
With arms wide open.
~Mary L D
In Christ
Mary L D
It's a sweet sound to my ears Lord
Your heart is breaking as you scream "I LOVE YOU"
"COME TO ME! I LOVE YOU"
Your blessings, grace, and mercy are your tears.
Crying and reaching out to your children
How you are jealous for our Love
our attention
our soul
You stand there in the rain crying
You say this thunderstorm is how you feel
Do you not see that God is here?
Do you not feel Him on your face?
Do you not hear His voice?
Open your ears and hear.
Awaken your body feel Him in every drop.
Open your heart and see Him.
You stand there tears streaming down your face
The rain falling camouflaging your tears
The Lord is not tricked, He sees your every tear
He is counting them all one by one and will not miss one.
Open your heart, awaken your body, open your ears.
He is touching you and speaking to you.
He is all around you.
He awaits for your return
With arms wide open.
~Mary L D
In Christ
Mary L D
Monday, March 08, 2010
Been A While...
I am sorry that I have not written in this for a while...
So much has happened to me... so much life... so much world... I went down for a while.
I quit the Daniel Fast by the way. I think God just wanted me to change my diet so I have. More healthier now and better. Much more energy.
Lets see I just been going through a hard time lately. The weeks that just passed by I was getting depressed because I could not feel God anymore and I just was in pain so much pain, spiritually and of course being the stupid human being I am. I ran away from it.
I let the lies of the enemy get to me again. Why do I do this?
The enemy just took me down again, I felt like such a hypocrite... I started to believe I was ugly again, he just made me feel like I was crap, not pure, not good enough, had no purpose, I started becoming scared of the demons, I believe they were going to attack me, the lies were "we can still attack you, you are not safe or protected." I hated it, the fear, I was at the end of it.
Then Eddie and Chara Boasso from Ihop came to our church for a conference... AMAZING. I didn't get the experience of laughter, rolling, or shaking like crazy.... I cried and cried and cried and cried.... So much crying. I just had so many lies from the enemy attacking me, so much loneliness, so much unwant, so much unlove, so much attacking of those lies.
The dream I had did not help either but I understand it now. The dream was...
So much has happened to me... so much life... so much world... I went down for a while.
I quit the Daniel Fast by the way. I think God just wanted me to change my diet so I have. More healthier now and better. Much more energy.
Lets see I just been going through a hard time lately. The weeks that just passed by I was getting depressed because I could not feel God anymore and I just was in pain so much pain, spiritually and of course being the stupid human being I am. I ran away from it.
I let the lies of the enemy get to me again. Why do I do this?
The enemy just took me down again, I felt like such a hypocrite... I started to believe I was ugly again, he just made me feel like I was crap, not pure, not good enough, had no purpose, I started becoming scared of the demons, I believe they were going to attack me, the lies were "we can still attack you, you are not safe or protected." I hated it, the fear, I was at the end of it.
Then Eddie and Chara Boasso from Ihop came to our church for a conference... AMAZING. I didn't get the experience of laughter, rolling, or shaking like crazy.... I cried and cried and cried and cried.... So much crying. I just had so many lies from the enemy attacking me, so much loneliness, so much unwant, so much unlove, so much attacking of those lies.
The dream I had did not help either but I understand it now. The dream was...
I was at my mom's house with Dina and we went into the hallway bathroom and there was a big strong demon. We went in with the lights out and had a little lamp so we could see each other. We were in there and Dina saw screaming and kicking at the demon rebuking it and I was sitting praying and every time I started to rebuke it, it would grab my mouth and shut it where I could not say "I rebuke you in the name of Jesus" and some few times it came out like mumble through my closed mouth. Every time I did it, it would laugh at me and smile, it would not go away it just kept going on. I had got to the point where I had started losing faith and I knew I was losing.
I got from the dream that Dina and I had gotten weak, we quit reading the Word and we get our power/strength from the Word of God. The past few weeks Dina and I have been going through storms and we did not read the word... so we got weak and of course the lies got to us.
I think the best part of the weekend though was that Taylor and Whitney Lindsey came down for the weekend! I got to see their beautiful selves! I miss them so much, like my mom says "They are my angels".... they really are! Something about just knowing they are near is peaceful and makes me happy. That is the greatest gift God gave me this weekend, getting hugs from them and hearing "I love you Mary" from both of them. Sigh... I miss them so much already....
I think that is all I got to say... I just want to get married already... Going to be while eh?
In Christ,
Mary L D
My love is... the only one who shed His blood for me... the only one who has captivated my heart and carries it in His hands... My Lord... My Savior. The Father who never has forsaken me, but I have forsaken Him. The Father who is always faithful. ~Mary L D
Saturday, February 20, 2010
God Answers
So all I can say is that when Dancing, Singing, Jumping around for the Lord, worshiping Him, this energy takes over. I been sick and so weak barely enough energy to stand up but the past two nights I been jumping and praising the Lord and it all goes away and I am full of this energy and joy! Man the Holy Spirit in me is awesome!!! I love it!!!! :)
Clearly I been watching the Awakening hehe :) I LOVE IT... but they are Mad for our King! They are so Radical Christians!!!! and I AM A RADICAL CHRISTIAN!!!!
Its like that song
I will dance I will sing to be mad for my King. Nothing Lord is hindering this passion in my soul!
So yeah I am crazy.. I think it is because I am sick, nah...
Well I woke up this morning like crap but God has my day so much more better today.
So while I was watching the awakening, someone was telling their testimony and it reminded me of my life. I was about to cry because it is amazing how God came when I called Him.
Its amazing how He answers every time we are at the end and we call Him.
But it is sad that when He knocks on our door we sometimes do not answer mainly because we are not listening. How He still loves us when we leave Him standing there at the door is beyond me.
So I just had a conversation with a friend on skype... and we were talking about how I believe that I am going to meet my husband this year and she asked how and I told her its because I had a dream about 6 months ago.
Well the dream was...
I now believe I am in that white dress now and now I am just waiting and praying for my husband! I can not wait to meet him! :)
Oh and the dream had came after I was crying and screaming at God telling him I was so tired of being lonely and when will I get married (if I do get married).... and He answered my screaming call! :)
This Daniel fast is going great! Other getting real sick. hahaha This is going to be a great year I believe even if another storm comes! I will still be dancing in it!
THE END!!!
LETS GO MAD FOR OUR KING!
In Jesus name,
Mary L D
Clearly I been watching the Awakening hehe :) I LOVE IT... but they are Mad for our King! They are so Radical Christians!!!! and I AM A RADICAL CHRISTIAN!!!!
Its like that song
I will dance I will sing to be mad for my King. Nothing Lord is hindering this passion in my soul!
So yeah I am crazy.. I think it is because I am sick, nah...
Well I woke up this morning like crap but God has my day so much more better today.
So while I was watching the awakening, someone was telling their testimony and it reminded me of my life. I was about to cry because it is amazing how God came when I called Him.
Its amazing how He answers every time we are at the end and we call Him.
But it is sad that when He knocks on our door we sometimes do not answer mainly because we are not listening. How He still loves us when we leave Him standing there at the door is beyond me.
So I just had a conversation with a friend on skype... and we were talking about how I believe that I am going to meet my husband this year and she asked how and I told her its because I had a dream about 6 months ago.
Well the dream was...
I was in a plain grayish/blackish dress and my husband was in a tux all cleaned up and ready to get married I had told him "I will be right back let me go get my dress." He was like "Okay, don't worry you don't have to rush. I love you." Then I ran off to go get my dress but I could not find it anywhere. Then this old lady came to me and said "Your dress is not perfect yet. We had to take it back to do a little bit more small detail fixing" I was like "Okay..." and I was sad and started walking back to my Fiance and as I was walking back to him a thunderstorm was rolling in, it made me more sad and frustrated. Well when I told him about my dress he said “ I do not care if I do not get to marry you, I love you and I do not need to be married to you to be with you forever.” and then we sat on a bed and watching movies and then I woke up.
Well what I had gotten from it was that the dresses represented me, the black dress was me at that time (the time I had a dream not perfect yet and still sinning alot) I was not ready to have a boyfriend I was not ready to get married. The white dress is me and what God (the old lady) was doing to me... Fixing me up the last details and the thunderstorm was a foreshadowing of my storm and trials this past semester ( I did not know this till like recently when I was remembering it) and if I had a boyfriend at that time it could bring disaster because I was not ready at all. God was showing me that He already has someone picked out for me, that I do not have to worry because the guy for me is already waiting for me and prepared and praying for me.I now believe I am in that white dress now and now I am just waiting and praying for my husband! I can not wait to meet him! :)
Oh and the dream had came after I was crying and screaming at God telling him I was so tired of being lonely and when will I get married (if I do get married).... and He answered my screaming call! :)
This Daniel fast is going great! Other getting real sick. hahaha This is going to be a great year I believe even if another storm comes! I will still be dancing in it!
THE END!!!
LETS GO MAD FOR OUR KING!
In Jesus name,
Mary L D
Friday, February 19, 2010
Shall We Awake?
So Diary that I did not write in you for a while... I been busy and now sick...
I know I am up early... because I fell asleep early and woke up early...
Well Lets see what has happened the past couple of days...
My friend Dina is FREE!!!! FREEDOM!!! FREE!!!!
Her demons that have taunted her are gone! She now knows she has authority to rebuke every single one she sees! (I told you that she sees Angels and Demons right?) But I went to her house Monday night to spend the night and we had a battle with the demons and man! I wish I could see what she saw, she says I don't. But I do, it is better than just feeling it and know they are some where but you don't know where.
I got the Holy Spirit in me now for sure! That same night like at 3am we were still awake (tuesday now?) and I finally told her. "Dina I can feel them still I know there are alot somewhere, but I do not know where. You say the house is crowded with Angels, so where are they?" She replied "They are all outside the house alot of them surronding the house. They are just there not saying a word and not moving. I do not know what they are waiting for." I told her we should start praying and rebuking them.
As we started praying, my body... it started to act weird, shaking and I could not control it. I was freaking out because I thought it was a demon doing something to me and Dina called her mother over and her mom prayed over me. Then she told me "No it isn't a demon, it is the Holy Spirit inside of you, God has given you the power to rebuke all of those demons. The Spirit is dwelling in you and is giving you power and authority." Something like that it was in all spanish hahaha
So like the Holy Spirit has awaken or more like He has awaken me. Now I am just waiting for my tongues!!! I WANT IT!!!! more than I want a husband!
Its weird to be in this... like I still can't believe it is happening and it is real but I know it is. Get me? hahaha
Work is becoming amazing I am loving it, we are all getting much closer and joking around a lot more. They make me happy my co workers. The kids have been acting worse, I hope they get better... NO I PRAY THEY DO! I was on the verge of tears on Wednesday, but I think it is because I was getting sick and its because I had just started the Daniel Fast... So I was all crappy around.
I want a bacon cheese burger from Jake's/Keller's right now... hahaha Wont have them until after Easter :) I CAN DO THIS!!!! I just need your strength my Lord to get me through this, you got through the desert without food or water for 40 days help me do my fast.
I get my check today so I am going to the store to buy all food that will help me and not let me starve. Here I come Central Market and Whole Foods! :) Organic... yum :)
So I think that is it dear diary. I am just so tired right now and sick
Oh I have a new favorite song right now.
Lost In You - Merchant Band.
and
You've Won My Heart - Merchant Band.
In Christ,
Mary L D
I know I am up early... because I fell asleep early and woke up early...
Well Lets see what has happened the past couple of days...
My friend Dina is FREE!!!! FREEDOM!!! FREE!!!!
Her demons that have taunted her are gone! She now knows she has authority to rebuke every single one she sees! (I told you that she sees Angels and Demons right?) But I went to her house Monday night to spend the night and we had a battle with the demons and man! I wish I could see what she saw, she says I don't. But I do, it is better than just feeling it and know they are some where but you don't know where.
I got the Holy Spirit in me now for sure! That same night like at 3am we were still awake (tuesday now?) and I finally told her. "Dina I can feel them still I know there are alot somewhere, but I do not know where. You say the house is crowded with Angels, so where are they?" She replied "They are all outside the house alot of them surronding the house. They are just there not saying a word and not moving. I do not know what they are waiting for." I told her we should start praying and rebuking them.
As we started praying, my body... it started to act weird, shaking and I could not control it. I was freaking out because I thought it was a demon doing something to me and Dina called her mother over and her mom prayed over me. Then she told me "No it isn't a demon, it is the Holy Spirit inside of you, God has given you the power to rebuke all of those demons. The Spirit is dwelling in you and is giving you power and authority." Something like that it was in all spanish hahaha
So like the Holy Spirit has awaken or more like He has awaken me. Now I am just waiting for my tongues!!! I WANT IT!!!! more than I want a husband!
Its weird to be in this... like I still can't believe it is happening and it is real but I know it is. Get me? hahaha
Work is becoming amazing I am loving it, we are all getting much closer and joking around a lot more. They make me happy my co workers. The kids have been acting worse, I hope they get better... NO I PRAY THEY DO! I was on the verge of tears on Wednesday, but I think it is because I was getting sick and its because I had just started the Daniel Fast... So I was all crappy around.
I want a bacon cheese burger from Jake's/Keller's right now... hahaha Wont have them until after Easter :) I CAN DO THIS!!!! I just need your strength my Lord to get me through this, you got through the desert without food or water for 40 days help me do my fast.
I get my check today so I am going to the store to buy all food that will help me and not let me starve. Here I come Central Market and Whole Foods! :) Organic... yum :)
So I think that is it dear diary. I am just so tired right now and sick
Oh I have a new favorite song right now.
Lost In You - Merchant Band.
and
You've Won My Heart - Merchant Band.
In Christ,
Mary L D
Monday, February 15, 2010
The Change
I sit here in the early morning, well not early its 10:37am right now and I just woke up. No class today, just work till 2:30.
I been sitting here thinking of my life how much it has changed in so little time, well to me it is. I am still taking it all in.
6 years ago- my sister was murdered. I believed in God, I knew Jesus died for me, I didn't know about salvation though. Didn't know about a relationship with God. About quiet times. I just thought good deeds were it.
The crazy thing is that my sister had given her life to Jesus a month before she died. It is crazy but amazingly perfect! When she told me that she gave her life to Jesus I did not understand it fully.
5 years ago- I hated God. I had just fell from there. After her death it seemed like life was just full of crap that I was alone at this life. While my family grieved I had to carry all the weight. My family would come crying to me and I would have to comfort them and no one would comfort me not even my family. Then my parents where starting to fall apart worst, I always thought it was my fault, I kept hearing it was (by the devil, lies in my head). Also, it was my first year in high school, it was hard because my sister was not there she was my role model.
4 years ago- I quit believing in God, in any god. The pain got so unbareable that I was like "There must not be a God, because why would he let me be hurting like this so much. Why hasn't he came to save me, where is he?" I was one of those "Where is your God?" people. My parents got a divorce at this time, it was an ugly divorce... and still is...
Between the 5-3 years ago I was scratching words into my arms with sharp objects and the words I would write were like "forsaken" (that was by big one), "lies", "hate" ummm I don't remember it all. The song Chop Suey from System of A Down was like mine.
3 years ago - I started searching for a God for help. For some reason I started searching for God again, I was at the point of actually committing suicide, I over dosed twice and nothing happend <<< I give my survival to God. There was this Relient K song they kept showing on MTv, Be My Escape, it described what I felt so perfect, so I went to by the cd (not knowing they were Christian) and when I got back home, I started listening to the cd and when it came to track 4 I froze and repeated and listen to it again. The end of it is what got me,
When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, “I miss you son. Come home”
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was mine
The love I’d wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told so’s
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, Oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you
When I heard these words I started crying, something in my heart got me, I felt something around me. I was just crying and crying. I pulled out the bible my mom had given me a year before, hoping that I would find God again and know that He loves me. I opened to the pslams and I forgot how but i ended up ready Psalm 88. That was the psalm that expalined fully how I felt. I was a mess, in a ditch.
At the end of my 3 year I had a friend who kept begging me to go with her to this church that she started going to on wednesday. She said it would be good for me and I would love it. She begged for like a whole month and I finally gave in. The first time I went I was like eh whatever didn't really care. Then a month later when I went back with her, I was shaking and crying in the back. It was beautiful, people from the age 13-19 were jumping and worshiping like I never seen. People were really in love with Jesus. The thing is that the singer Lucas sang like an angel and during worship he would speak some stuff and what he was saying just moved my heart. He was saying like, "Take of that black cloack of sin and dirt take it off and put on the white robe of rightesousness. God loves you so much. God is always with us. Jesus died for us drench yourself in His blood." Probably some other things it was a long ago. But I was crying and I said "I am so sorry God for everything I did to you, I am so sorry." and then I felt like someone was hugging me and I heard "My dear sweet Mary, I love you and I am sorry for everything I put you through, You will see why though. You will see why I let your sister die."
2 and a half years ago- Gave my life to Jesus. Through out the summer I had been going to the church on wednesday and then I started going on Sundays. Then we went to a retreat... I had just started taken pills for my anxiety attacks, they made me so sleepy ( i had to get like 12 hours of sleep and at retreats your lucky to get 6) But on the saturday night of the retreat, I was just crying and crying and I was praying, my heart was moving then I said to God "If you want me, come and get me." Right as I said those words the youth minister Diann had her hand out walking toward me and said "Mary you know it's time." I grabbed her hand and we went to the front and I gave my life to Jesus. I was shaking, they had to hold me up because I was about to fall, it felt like so much was coming out of me. I felt freedom, I felt happy, I felt the joy. Then I got kicked out of my mom's house the week after I got baptized (a week after I gave my life to Jesus). My mother didn't speak to me until the week before I left to Florida. It hurt, it was so hurtfull because my mother is Christian too, she gave her life to Jesus like 2 years before I did. It hurt.
1 year ago- I finally got out of the worldly things. I had just came back from living in Florida. MAN was it an experience! I had moved in with a teacher from high school who had moved down to Florida with her husband. The crazy thing is that her husband Matt was a preacher! So I lived in a kinda stricted home, I loved it! I love how God made things work out though, how He took my actual life plans and tossed them out the windows and made the path He has for me happen. Just the way He had everything planned and people I knew here in Texas and the people in Florida how it brought me a job, a place to live, a place where I came back to Texas nothing like I was when I left. I learned how to really trust in the Lord and let Him contol it because really I have no other choice He will make His will happen.
But I started going to Richland Community College, it kinda made me mad because I graduated 24 out of 400 people in high school, I could have gone to any university anf most likely get a full ride, BUT NOPE God sent me to Florida and then to a community college. But I see that He needed me here not just for the people at Richland, the people at my church, the college life group, BUT for everyone that HE PUTS in my life.
Now- Walking in a path where I fight the spiritual world and walking in gifts I never expected to have. I just came out of a semester of just breaking and breaking and breaking and breaking and BREAKING, I was just a mess. My mom quit talking to me again on August 22, 2009. It hurt so much. Because it was the day my dog of 15 years died his name was Pastor (german mix with husky I'll put a picture up at the end), Annalise's birthday, and the day I got my laptop. Let me tell you how much it caused me soooooooooooo much pain. It still does (because she still doesn't talk to me). Oh the reason I believe she quit talking to me was because I rebuked her (with bible verses) on the topic how she is treating my father and how she needs to change like I did over the summer. I use to hate hate hate my father and at the same time he was soooo mean and sick. He had a bad temper, he never showed me cared or loved me like a father is suppose too, I treated him like crap too. He was really sick, his stress and diabetes were getting the best of him. My friend rebuked me and told me to start blessing him with the charateristics that he needed. As I did that I started getting the love God had for my father, the sorrow God had for my dad, the Desire to have my dad follow Him. I blessed and prayed for my father for two months and let me tell you MY DAD IS HEALTHEIR AND SO MUCH MORE HAPPIER AND SLOW TO ANGER AND CARES! HE IS THE WORLDS BEST FATHER (other than GOD).
So now him and I are best friends and I think my mom hated that and especially because I rebuked her.
The devil attacked me so much the past semester, my mind, my loyalty, my friendships, my heart for the church. He spoke lies to me so much that i didn't know it was him. Then I was freed at Onething '09! NOW I AM HAPPY! Now I feel demons, now I rebuke them with no fear because I have the Armor of God Ephesians 6:10-20 and Luke 10:19-20.
Oh and I love my church again, my friendships are back and stronger, making new amazing friends. I now know what are lies. :)
God has taken me out of so much.
I have learned to not plan for my future, always think about a year from now and pray about it and let God tell you where you are suppose to be because if you do two planning on your own, HA God will change it on you! :)
In Christ,
Mary L D
Here is my Pastor :) I look "tired" in one I know, but I didn't expect him to smile and take the pic :) You can see we were bestfriends and he was loyal to me. He drove with me to Florida, lived with me in Florida and drove all the way back. He was the first thing I took with me when I moved out of my Mom's house.
I been sitting here thinking of my life how much it has changed in so little time, well to me it is. I am still taking it all in.
6 years ago- my sister was murdered. I believed in God, I knew Jesus died for me, I didn't know about salvation though. Didn't know about a relationship with God. About quiet times. I just thought good deeds were it.
The crazy thing is that my sister had given her life to Jesus a month before she died. It is crazy but amazingly perfect! When she told me that she gave her life to Jesus I did not understand it fully.
5 years ago- I hated God. I had just fell from there. After her death it seemed like life was just full of crap that I was alone at this life. While my family grieved I had to carry all the weight. My family would come crying to me and I would have to comfort them and no one would comfort me not even my family. Then my parents where starting to fall apart worst, I always thought it was my fault, I kept hearing it was (by the devil, lies in my head). Also, it was my first year in high school, it was hard because my sister was not there she was my role model.
4 years ago- I quit believing in God, in any god. The pain got so unbareable that I was like "There must not be a God, because why would he let me be hurting like this so much. Why hasn't he came to save me, where is he?" I was one of those "Where is your God?" people. My parents got a divorce at this time, it was an ugly divorce... and still is...
Between the 5-3 years ago I was scratching words into my arms with sharp objects and the words I would write were like "forsaken" (that was by big one), "lies", "hate" ummm I don't remember it all. The song Chop Suey from System of A Down was like mine.
3 years ago - I started searching for a God for help. For some reason I started searching for God again, I was at the point of actually committing suicide, I over dosed twice and nothing happend <<< I give my survival to God. There was this Relient K song they kept showing on MTv, Be My Escape, it described what I felt so perfect, so I went to by the cd (not knowing they were Christian) and when I got back home, I started listening to the cd and when it came to track 4 I froze and repeated and listen to it again. The end of it is what got me,
When I got tired of running from you
I stopped right there to catch my breath
There your words they caught my ears
You said, “I miss you son. Come home”
And my sins, they watched me leave
And in my heart I so believed
The love you felt for me was mine
The love I’d wished for all this time
And when the doors were closed
I heard no I told so’s
I said the words I knew you knew
Oh God, Oh God I needed you
God all this time I needed you, I needed you
When I heard these words I started crying, something in my heart got me, I felt something around me. I was just crying and crying. I pulled out the bible my mom had given me a year before, hoping that I would find God again and know that He loves me. I opened to the pslams and I forgot how but i ended up ready Psalm 88. That was the psalm that expalined fully how I felt. I was a mess, in a ditch.
At the end of my 3 year I had a friend who kept begging me to go with her to this church that she started going to on wednesday. She said it would be good for me and I would love it. She begged for like a whole month and I finally gave in. The first time I went I was like eh whatever didn't really care. Then a month later when I went back with her, I was shaking and crying in the back. It was beautiful, people from the age 13-19 were jumping and worshiping like I never seen. People were really in love with Jesus. The thing is that the singer Lucas sang like an angel and during worship he would speak some stuff and what he was saying just moved my heart. He was saying like, "Take of that black cloack of sin and dirt take it off and put on the white robe of rightesousness. God loves you so much. God is always with us. Jesus died for us drench yourself in His blood." Probably some other things it was a long ago. But I was crying and I said "I am so sorry God for everything I did to you, I am so sorry." and then I felt like someone was hugging me and I heard "My dear sweet Mary, I love you and I am sorry for everything I put you through, You will see why though. You will see why I let your sister die."
2 and a half years ago- Gave my life to Jesus. Through out the summer I had been going to the church on wednesday and then I started going on Sundays. Then we went to a retreat... I had just started taken pills for my anxiety attacks, they made me so sleepy ( i had to get like 12 hours of sleep and at retreats your lucky to get 6) But on the saturday night of the retreat, I was just crying and crying and I was praying, my heart was moving then I said to God "If you want me, come and get me." Right as I said those words the youth minister Diann had her hand out walking toward me and said "Mary you know it's time." I grabbed her hand and we went to the front and I gave my life to Jesus. I was shaking, they had to hold me up because I was about to fall, it felt like so much was coming out of me. I felt freedom, I felt happy, I felt the joy. Then I got kicked out of my mom's house the week after I got baptized (a week after I gave my life to Jesus). My mother didn't speak to me until the week before I left to Florida. It hurt, it was so hurtfull because my mother is Christian too, she gave her life to Jesus like 2 years before I did. It hurt.
1 year ago- I finally got out of the worldly things. I had just came back from living in Florida. MAN was it an experience! I had moved in with a teacher from high school who had moved down to Florida with her husband. The crazy thing is that her husband Matt was a preacher! So I lived in a kinda stricted home, I loved it! I love how God made things work out though, how He took my actual life plans and tossed them out the windows and made the path He has for me happen. Just the way He had everything planned and people I knew here in Texas and the people in Florida how it brought me a job, a place to live, a place where I came back to Texas nothing like I was when I left. I learned how to really trust in the Lord and let Him contol it because really I have no other choice He will make His will happen.
But I started going to Richland Community College, it kinda made me mad because I graduated 24 out of 400 people in high school, I could have gone to any university anf most likely get a full ride, BUT NOPE God sent me to Florida and then to a community college. But I see that He needed me here not just for the people at Richland, the people at my church, the college life group, BUT for everyone that HE PUTS in my life.
Now- Walking in a path where I fight the spiritual world and walking in gifts I never expected to have. I just came out of a semester of just breaking and breaking and breaking and breaking and BREAKING, I was just a mess. My mom quit talking to me again on August 22, 2009. It hurt so much. Because it was the day my dog of 15 years died his name was Pastor (german mix with husky I'll put a picture up at the end), Annalise's birthday, and the day I got my laptop. Let me tell you how much it caused me soooooooooooo much pain. It still does (because she still doesn't talk to me). Oh the reason I believe she quit talking to me was because I rebuked her (with bible verses) on the topic how she is treating my father and how she needs to change like I did over the summer. I use to hate hate hate my father and at the same time he was soooo mean and sick. He had a bad temper, he never showed me cared or loved me like a father is suppose too, I treated him like crap too. He was really sick, his stress and diabetes were getting the best of him. My friend rebuked me and told me to start blessing him with the charateristics that he needed. As I did that I started getting the love God had for my father, the sorrow God had for my dad, the Desire to have my dad follow Him. I blessed and prayed for my father for two months and let me tell you MY DAD IS HEALTHEIR AND SO MUCH MORE HAPPIER AND SLOW TO ANGER AND CARES! HE IS THE WORLDS BEST FATHER (other than GOD).
So now him and I are best friends and I think my mom hated that and especially because I rebuked her.
The devil attacked me so much the past semester, my mind, my loyalty, my friendships, my heart for the church. He spoke lies to me so much that i didn't know it was him. Then I was freed at Onething '09! NOW I AM HAPPY! Now I feel demons, now I rebuke them with no fear because I have the Armor of God Ephesians 6:10-20 and Luke 10:19-20.
Oh and I love my church again, my friendships are back and stronger, making new amazing friends. I now know what are lies. :)
God has taken me out of so much.
I have learned to not plan for my future, always think about a year from now and pray about it and let God tell you where you are suppose to be because if you do two planning on your own, HA God will change it on you! :)
In Christ,
Mary L D
Here is my Pastor :) I look "tired" in one I know, but I didn't expect him to smile and take the pic :) You can see we were bestfriends and he was loyal to me. He drove with me to Florida, lived with me in Florida and drove all the way back. He was the first thing I took with me when I moved out of my Mom's house.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
My Desire Is to Know You Lord
I had a good day.
I went to bed at 4am and woke up around 11am. I cleaned my room a bit and got ready to go out with one of my best friends Izzie. She took me to go see Valentine's Day, good movie and funny! :)
The thing that is in my heart is God, alot... I want to know more, more and more. I want to know what He thinks. I want to feel His heart. I want to know His voice. I yearn more now to have the gift of tongues so I can go into a place where I can romance with God. A place that is like a medow with trees all around and a night sky full of stars and a full moon. I want to dance with Him and let our hearts connect as one. I want to know more of Him, I want to lay my head on Him and Him lead me. My heart yearns for it, I feel like I am missing something in my life now, something that I need desperately.
I want to meet Him in my secret place, I want Him to take delight in me.
Have you ever just danced with God? It is so beautiful, so peaceful. Just Him looking down at you, you can feel how He is loving it. He is just smiling.
I am just waiting for the day I get to see Him face to face.
I just been thinking alot about how I use to hate God and then I got to the point where I thought He was not real. And look where I am.... I can now feel demons, hear "visions", and other stuff... Life is crazy isn't it?
Now I am just waiting for God to give me more that wants to give me and see where He leads me.
I just want to see.
In Christ,
Mary L D
I went to bed at 4am and woke up around 11am. I cleaned my room a bit and got ready to go out with one of my best friends Izzie. She took me to go see Valentine's Day, good movie and funny! :)
The thing that is in my heart is God, alot... I want to know more, more and more. I want to know what He thinks. I want to feel His heart. I want to know His voice. I yearn more now to have the gift of tongues so I can go into a place where I can romance with God. A place that is like a medow with trees all around and a night sky full of stars and a full moon. I want to dance with Him and let our hearts connect as one. I want to know more of Him, I want to lay my head on Him and Him lead me. My heart yearns for it, I feel like I am missing something in my life now, something that I need desperately.
I want to meet Him in my secret place, I want Him to take delight in me.
Have you ever just danced with God? It is so beautiful, so peaceful. Just Him looking down at you, you can feel how He is loving it. He is just smiling.
I am just waiting for the day I get to see Him face to face.
I just been thinking alot about how I use to hate God and then I got to the point where I thought He was not real. And look where I am.... I can now feel demons, hear "visions", and other stuff... Life is crazy isn't it?
Now I am just waiting for God to give me more that wants to give me and see where He leads me.
I just want to see.
In Christ,
Mary L D
It is Real
Sorry I have not written in this in a while. Welll lets just say alot has happened
IT SNOWED!!! A FOOT HERE!!! 24 hours of straight snow! can you believe it! REAL SNOW! it is was beautiful! I never seen so much snow. Want a picture?
So ummmmm
Yeah I am in this deep... I am into the spiritual world now. A bit scary but really AWESOME!
I feel demons... my friend sees them... Oh and she sees angels too :) I wish I could see them too because feeling them is worse. You dont know where exactly they are, you just know they are there and you have to concentrate and they have to be still too so you can get a good feeling of where they are. I had two yesterday in front of me facing me. One of them was soooooo mad. She wanted to kill me, the other one was not that mad. It was my first time ever really battling for my life. I was paralyzed in fear but then I called a friend she told me what to do and prayed over me and i was on it. I was praying Epeshians 6:10-18 out loud and as I did that my voice started changing... Deeper more strong with authority in it. It was awesome. Just how when you are in this the Holy Spirit takes over! It felt good! I can not wait to get the gift of tongues. I sound crazy right!? Eh Like i said I already hear the voices when I pray. So yeah we will see what my life becomes. I can not wait!
WE ARE IN A WAR!! We need to get it together and Fight! We are in an awakening! We need to all wake up and see!!! There is a war going on out their in the spiritual world! We need to fight! We need to pray! We need to Fast! We need to spend time with God! We need to get it going! Lets do this!
TEAM JESUS! GO GOD!!!!
Yes I am a radical Chrisitan :)
No I will never hate you!
I love you!
In Jesus' blood!
In God's Army,
Mary L D
IT SNOWED!!! A FOOT HERE!!! 24 hours of straight snow! can you believe it! REAL SNOW! it is was beautiful! I never seen so much snow. Want a picture?
That was this morning when I woke up! You can not even see the sidewalks! It is so amazing! I thank God so much for everything He did yesterday :) We had a college life group snowfight! It was awesome! Cameron a Marine hit me in the face like 3-5 times with a snowball it hurt soooooo bad! I tried to take him down but of course... he is a Marine! And at school people were making snowman and having snow fights :) look...
Oh and my puppy loved it too :) hehehe
So ummmmm
Yeah I am in this deep... I am into the spiritual world now. A bit scary but really AWESOME!
I feel demons... my friend sees them... Oh and she sees angels too :) I wish I could see them too because feeling them is worse. You dont know where exactly they are, you just know they are there and you have to concentrate and they have to be still too so you can get a good feeling of where they are. I had two yesterday in front of me facing me. One of them was soooooo mad. She wanted to kill me, the other one was not that mad. It was my first time ever really battling for my life. I was paralyzed in fear but then I called a friend she told me what to do and prayed over me and i was on it. I was praying Epeshians 6:10-18 out loud and as I did that my voice started changing... Deeper more strong with authority in it. It was awesome. Just how when you are in this the Holy Spirit takes over! It felt good! I can not wait to get the gift of tongues. I sound crazy right!? Eh Like i said I already hear the voices when I pray. So yeah we will see what my life becomes. I can not wait!
WE ARE IN A WAR!! We need to get it together and Fight! We are in an awakening! We need to all wake up and see!!! There is a war going on out their in the spiritual world! We need to fight! We need to pray! We need to Fast! We need to spend time with God! We need to get it going! Lets do this!
TEAM JESUS! GO GOD!!!!
Yes I am a radical Chrisitan :)
No I will never hate you!
I love you!
In Jesus' blood!
In God's Army,
Mary L D
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Love of God and Sister
I HAD AN AMAZING DAY! Well eveing... but still IT WAS AWESOME!
God is so good :) I woke up kinda down because the sky was gray and cloudy... and i was tired... And I had to go take a math test.. blah
Well I went to BSM, Baptist Student Ministries, it was a small group it was good :) Just good had to be there. I love Bsm!
I didn't want to take my friends money for lunch/dinner/ OH and breakfast meal so i could eat a meal actually.... BUT... she won. Thanks Kafui!!!!!!
Well I went to work today, a bit tiring but it was fun :) I got to get some ritz crackers with juice!!! SCORE!
I am now being called "Mama", "Mommy", and "MAMAAAAAAAAA!" by so many kids... A bit scary.... Esepcially when they are not hispanic hahaha :) I LOVE THE KIDS they make my day so much! Even though they are soooo bad I love them! They make me happy I LOVE MY JOB! Takes a lot of work, patience, and love but it is worth it :)
Face to face... (youth group)... WAS AWESOME!!! God really is doing so much in there! God is really catching hearts! The holy spirit was there tonight! IT WAS AWESOME! The youth group is going to change! It will be different :) I can not wait to see it grow more!
Well we talked about sibling rivalry and how it can effect our walk with God and just how it effects us with reaching out to people. I felt so convicted about it and then our New youth Minister Tom got up (our old youth minister was preaching to us) and repented about something which really got me.
SO I GOT UP, got prayed for and left straight to my sisters. IT WAS AWESOME! I repented and said sorry for not loving her the way i am suppose to and how I was so ugly to her long ago and still how I am to her a bit. She forgave me and we just started talking about her life. We got deep i told her things about what God is showing me. And I helped her out with some stuff... LET ME TELL YOU IT IS ONLY THE BEGINNING!!!
ONLY THE BEGINNING FOR HER!!!! I can not wait to see her in a year :) She will be following after Jesus!
OH HOW GOD LOVES US! OH HOW HE IS SO AMAZING! I AM SO HAPPY!
GOD YOU ROCK!!!
In God's love and mercy
In Jesus Blood,
Mary L D
God is so good :) I woke up kinda down because the sky was gray and cloudy... and i was tired... And I had to go take a math test.. blah
Well I went to BSM, Baptist Student Ministries, it was a small group it was good :) Just good had to be there. I love Bsm!
I didn't want to take my friends money for lunch/dinner/ OH and breakfast meal so i could eat a meal actually.... BUT... she won. Thanks Kafui!!!!!!
Well I went to work today, a bit tiring but it was fun :) I got to get some ritz crackers with juice!!! SCORE!
I am now being called "Mama", "Mommy", and "MAMAAAAAAAAA!" by so many kids... A bit scary.... Esepcially when they are not hispanic hahaha :) I LOVE THE KIDS they make my day so much! Even though they are soooo bad I love them! They make me happy I LOVE MY JOB! Takes a lot of work, patience, and love but it is worth it :)
Face to face... (youth group)... WAS AWESOME!!! God really is doing so much in there! God is really catching hearts! The holy spirit was there tonight! IT WAS AWESOME! The youth group is going to change! It will be different :) I can not wait to see it grow more!
Well we talked about sibling rivalry and how it can effect our walk with God and just how it effects us with reaching out to people. I felt so convicted about it and then our New youth Minister Tom got up (our old youth minister was preaching to us) and repented about something which really got me.
SO I GOT UP, got prayed for and left straight to my sisters. IT WAS AWESOME! I repented and said sorry for not loving her the way i am suppose to and how I was so ugly to her long ago and still how I am to her a bit. She forgave me and we just started talking about her life. We got deep i told her things about what God is showing me. And I helped her out with some stuff... LET ME TELL YOU IT IS ONLY THE BEGINNING!!!
ONLY THE BEGINNING FOR HER!!!! I can not wait to see her in a year :) She will be following after Jesus!
OH HOW GOD LOVES US! OH HOW HE IS SO AMAZING! I AM SO HAPPY!
GOD YOU ROCK!!!
In God's love and mercy
In Jesus Blood,
Mary L D
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Everything is better
So all I got to say is that everything is better :)
I talked to Whitney (taylor's older sister) about the dream and other stuff last night after I wrote in the blog and she helped me made sense of everything. The dream from the devil, "alex" i will just have to pray for and other stuff along with it.
Life group was amazing tonight. God is doing so much in the group and in everyone's life!!! I can not wait to see how the end of the semester is!
I like a guy REALLY like a guy who doesn't know i exsit... hahahaha :)
In Christ,
Mary L D
I talked to Whitney (taylor's older sister) about the dream and other stuff last night after I wrote in the blog and she helped me made sense of everything. The dream from the devil, "alex" i will just have to pray for and other stuff along with it.
Life group was amazing tonight. God is doing so much in the group and in everyone's life!!! I can not wait to see how the end of the semester is!
I like a guy REALLY like a guy who doesn't know i exsit... hahahaha :)
In Christ,
Mary L D
Monday, February 08, 2010
My Soul
This past weekend I have had this heaviness in my soul and its still here. I sit here in my prayer room in the dark, quiet, no music, no sound, just me. I been sitting here waiting for the Lord to show me, to let me hear what he wants me to hear.
I have this new gift; I hear things. Like you know how people get visions? I get to hear things... I sound mental but it is true. I only had it twice, well three times, the first one was like 2 years ago. The other two have been recent. I have talked about it with friends especially one who like is amazing and like knows my future, she sees vision and she kinda like disciples me in a way other than Mrs. Breaux who is my mentor. Her name is Sarine she goes to the College Life Group with me and she prays alot about me. She told me this is my new gift and that it is going to be happening more and that I need to pray for discernment between the devils voice, God's voice and mine. I already had one from God and one from the devil.
I just don't know, I like want to cry. This heaviness is hurting, its scary, I want to know. I felt like I had to write it out my feelings.
It doesn't help that I had a dream about my friend Taylor, who I hold so dear. I had a dream that he died from his diabetes. Yes Taylor, the most amazing man on fire for God who I call Superman, has diabetes but he is an unbelieveble follower of Jesus. The diabetes doesn't stop him, he went to Pakistan for like 2 weeks with two way older guys when he just turned 19! AMAZING! But that dream has been bothering me so much, it was a blurry dream like seriously. I was in my body this time (sometimes I have dreams where I am watching myself and others) and I saw everything like i needed glasses. But there was Taylor dying from his diabetes and we couldn't save him. That made my heart so much more heavier today because I fear that it will come about. I am praying that God will let me know if it was just a dream.
I am hoping that this dream is just a put together of all my stress and it was a just a dream.
I been stressing out about a certain friend of mine. Sarine told me that this friend lets call them "Alex" (boy or girl) is going to need me like they never needed anyone but she doesn't know what is going to happen. So I started praying about it and I had this sorrow over come me and then i heard "Alex's sister is going to die, going to get murdered." I started crying because I don't want Alex to go through the pain or through the event.
I lost my sister 6 years ago through murder.
I am afraid for her. I am praying it isn't that.
and there is something else... but that is between God and me,
I just have so much, I know God wants to show me something else. I just need to go back to waiting. Probably go to sleep and another dream?
Sigh...
In Christ,
Mary L D
I have this new gift; I hear things. Like you know how people get visions? I get to hear things... I sound mental but it is true. I only had it twice, well three times, the first one was like 2 years ago. The other two have been recent. I have talked about it with friends especially one who like is amazing and like knows my future, she sees vision and she kinda like disciples me in a way other than Mrs. Breaux who is my mentor. Her name is Sarine she goes to the College Life Group with me and she prays alot about me. She told me this is my new gift and that it is going to be happening more and that I need to pray for discernment between the devils voice, God's voice and mine. I already had one from God and one from the devil.
I just don't know, I like want to cry. This heaviness is hurting, its scary, I want to know. I felt like I had to write it out my feelings.
It doesn't help that I had a dream about my friend Taylor, who I hold so dear. I had a dream that he died from his diabetes. Yes Taylor, the most amazing man on fire for God who I call Superman, has diabetes but he is an unbelieveble follower of Jesus. The diabetes doesn't stop him, he went to Pakistan for like 2 weeks with two way older guys when he just turned 19! AMAZING! But that dream has been bothering me so much, it was a blurry dream like seriously. I was in my body this time (sometimes I have dreams where I am watching myself and others) and I saw everything like i needed glasses. But there was Taylor dying from his diabetes and we couldn't save him. That made my heart so much more heavier today because I fear that it will come about. I am praying that God will let me know if it was just a dream.
I am hoping that this dream is just a put together of all my stress and it was a just a dream.
I been stressing out about a certain friend of mine. Sarine told me that this friend lets call them "Alex" (boy or girl) is going to need me like they never needed anyone but she doesn't know what is going to happen. So I started praying about it and I had this sorrow over come me and then i heard "Alex's sister is going to die, going to get murdered." I started crying because I don't want Alex to go through the pain or through the event.
I lost my sister 6 years ago through murder.
I am afraid for her. I am praying it isn't that.
and there is something else... but that is between God and me,
I just have so much, I know God wants to show me something else. I just need to go back to waiting. Probably go to sleep and another dream?
Sigh...
In Christ,
Mary L D
Saturday, February 06, 2010
Rain Down Holy Spirit
Do you know that Jesus is so beautiful and the only one that can save us?
DO you know our Father God is an amazing loving father? Who is the only one that can heal?
No pill, no surgery, no therapy can make us better.
Jesus is the only one who is the light of the world.
Jesus' blood is like acid, it burns away the bonds that the enemy has rapped around you.
His blood sucks in your sins, to make your blood pure.
Holy Father, Amazing Love.
Lets just say that yesterday was amazing! [sorry I didn't write in it yesterday, I got home at 1:30 am... So I was like eh I will write in it tonight]
BUT YEAH!!!! last night was amazing! It was beautiful! God was there, The Holy Spirit was raining down on us. It is amazing how followers of Christ have autority over anything. We can rebuke the devil and his demons, with the name of Jesus. We can pray for healing over people and see them get healed! We can speak with God and He listens. It is beautiful to be walking in this path Hand in Hand with God.
Psalm 139 and Psalm 27 <<< good psalms.
Last night was just amazing. Yesterday was amazing, I got to talk to my kids at work again about Jesus and how bad words, mean words, fighting is not good and how it hurts. I told them about how Jesus healed the ear that Paul had cut off on the guy who was taking Jesus away. How Jesus said to always turn the other cheek. It was good they were all so into it. I loved it! They are such a blessing to me. They make me happy!
You are the temple. You are the temple of the God, His Holy Spirit. Not just another "chrisitan" YOU ARE HIS BELOVED, YOU ARE HIS DAUGHTER/SON, YOU ARE HIS TEMPLE, YOU ARE HIS SERVANT, YOU ARE HIS BEAUTY, YOU ARE HIS ROSE, YOU ARE HIS!
I love you all :)
Mary L D
DO you know our Father God is an amazing loving father? Who is the only one that can heal?
No pill, no surgery, no therapy can make us better.
Jesus is the only one who is the light of the world.
Jesus' blood is like acid, it burns away the bonds that the enemy has rapped around you.
His blood sucks in your sins, to make your blood pure.
Holy Father, Amazing Love.
Lets just say that yesterday was amazing! [sorry I didn't write in it yesterday, I got home at 1:30 am... So I was like eh I will write in it tonight]
BUT YEAH!!!! last night was amazing! It was beautiful! God was there, The Holy Spirit was raining down on us. It is amazing how followers of Christ have autority over anything. We can rebuke the devil and his demons, with the name of Jesus. We can pray for healing over people and see them get healed! We can speak with God and He listens. It is beautiful to be walking in this path Hand in Hand with God.
Psalm 139 and Psalm 27 <<< good psalms.
Last night was just amazing. Yesterday was amazing, I got to talk to my kids at work again about Jesus and how bad words, mean words, fighting is not good and how it hurts. I told them about how Jesus healed the ear that Paul had cut off on the guy who was taking Jesus away. How Jesus said to always turn the other cheek. It was good they were all so into it. I loved it! They are such a blessing to me. They make me happy!
You are the temple. You are the temple of the God, His Holy Spirit. Not just another "chrisitan" YOU ARE HIS BELOVED, YOU ARE HIS DAUGHTER/SON, YOU ARE HIS TEMPLE, YOU ARE HIS SERVANT, YOU ARE HIS BEAUTY, YOU ARE HIS ROSE, YOU ARE HIS!
I love you all :)
Mary L D
Thursday, February 04, 2010
God and The Lil Ones
Man.... all I can say is GOD YOU ARE SO GOOOD!
I went to work today. I didn't feel like going at all. It was a hard day, the kindergarderns were the worst today I wanted to cry they drove me more than up the wall. Then at my last group they really blessed me. I got to them and we were just talking and one of them brought up Adam and Eve. We started talking to about it and what the "fruit" was that they ate. Why God put it there? How God knew they were going to do it and it was a test for them. What happened and why it happened. I then told them "It is like us we are always tested by God and even though we always fail it, He is always still there loving us no matter what." and they said "Yeah he does." and I was like "It is so amazing how we have a Father that has a love that lasts forever" and they all smiled and were like "yes it is!"
That just made me so happy today! I loved it! really a big blessing! God is good! God wants his kids! Gods want those children for his glory and they will be!
Also that high school girl Amy I said I wanted to talk to today, well it didnt go the way I wanted it but I got to talk to her.
She burped in her throat and I heard it. no one was there yet except me and we were laughing. I was like God please let me talk to her and then i hear the BURPPPP and we started laughing. God lifted up the awkardness :)
Lets see what happens hey?
Jesus thank you for the cross! Thank you for this life!
In Christ,
Mary L D
I went to work today. I didn't feel like going at all. It was a hard day, the kindergarderns were the worst today I wanted to cry they drove me more than up the wall. Then at my last group they really blessed me. I got to them and we were just talking and one of them brought up Adam and Eve. We started talking to about it and what the "fruit" was that they ate. Why God put it there? How God knew they were going to do it and it was a test for them. What happened and why it happened. I then told them "It is like us we are always tested by God and even though we always fail it, He is always still there loving us no matter what." and they said "Yeah he does." and I was like "It is so amazing how we have a Father that has a love that lasts forever" and they all smiled and were like "yes it is!"
That just made me so happy today! I loved it! really a big blessing! God is good! God wants his kids! Gods want those children for his glory and they will be!
Also that high school girl Amy I said I wanted to talk to today, well it didnt go the way I wanted it but I got to talk to her.
She burped in her throat and I heard it. no one was there yet except me and we were laughing. I was like God please let me talk to her and then i hear the BURPPPP and we started laughing. God lifted up the awkardness :)
Lets see what happens hey?
Jesus thank you for the cross! Thank you for this life!
In Christ,
Mary L D
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Time, place and friends.
The words that are in italic and or in parentheses (like this) is part of a song :)
Today I realized how amazing God is about bring people into our lives.
Well He has always been amazing at everything but it never really hit me till today.
God your leadership is perfect,
Your timing is perfect,
you love me so much (x2)
better than I could even imagine.
You love me so well (x2)
better than I could even imagine.
Sorry listening to the music going on in the Prayer Room at IhopU and they were singing that^^
Well anywho (Blessed be your name in the land that is plentiful, where your streams of abundance flow.) today I had woken up at the time I set my alarm, well the thing I didn't expect was for a friend to call me to see if I can take her to work. So I rushed Showered and changed in 30 mins and then sped to pick her up and take her to work. I did my make up in the car at every red light. [I am such a girl] [<<< not a song] Then I brushed my hair before I got out of my car at school to go in for BSM [Baptist Student Ministries] (I am so convinced that you are good x3 I will sing praise!). It was a crazy morning, no time to think. But Rusty the leader of the club brought us CHICK-FIL-A! I loved it!
We talked about Colossians 1:24-29. One thing he asked us was. "What must happen to us so we can be made more perfect in Christ?" Such a deep good question. Think about it.
I believe every day, every minute, every second is a good chance to be made perfect in Christ. We suffer every minute as Christians, being Christian is harder than not being one. We must battle the world and our flesh every second. So as we run this race that is marked out for us, as we walk the halls of our school or our job, we are fighting a spiritual battle. We can only win with God on our side. (For the eemy has been defeated and death couldn't hold you down, We are gonna lift our voice in victory, we are gonna make your praises loud!) Jesus died on that cross and fought for us so we may win. As we do our job and stay faithfull to Him and fight this battle we are made more perfect in Christ. We get so much more closer.
Then as I was taking my friend home after the meeting, before I went to work. We talked and it was such a blessing. Brought me so much joy and encouragement. It also reminded me that people are watching me [not only non-Christians but also Christians] and they take everything I do. That I am an example also to those who are my sisters and brothers in Jesus. Guys! People are watching you they take your life and use it, it can hurt someone or encourage them to the fullest. I was talking to my friend Kafui and we were talking about how God is really working in her. She told me "Mary your life and your walk has been a big encouragement to me in my life. Just how you keep going after the Lord and how you just kept praying for your father and how it worked and he changed so much" I was like wow... You know? We also are not happy in the place where we are living, not where we wanted to be, BUT we are both noticing God has so many reasons why and we both can not wait to see what happens this semester. I have this high school girl named Amy in my heart since the first time I saw her on the first day of school. I prayed to God to show me who He wants me to talk to and it was her. Tomorrow I am going to talk to her, she knows I am Christian, she seen me read my bible and she always looks ALOT when I am reading it. So pray for those who God wants you to talk to. I am a bit nervous but I know God wants me to and He will make a way, you just gotta let Him.
Then went to work, I love my kids and I know they love me so much. I think I am there favorite. Alot of the kids tell me that I am their favorite "teacher" there haha :) It makes me happy, I always hug them and tell them I love them. They can see I care for them and want the best for them. They know I am strict and if they are good and listen I will be a cool person and we will have fun. I love them. I just want to take all of them to Jesus Camp and show them Jesus! They mostly aall come from broken homes and lives. It is so sad. They need love. Working there is not easy, as a Christian you are battling the world and the enemy and his demons while you are there. The kids are so hard to love, I have the love that God has for them in me, that is the only way I am surviving.
COME JESUS COME
I just got home from church about 30 minutes ago. I went to youth group today, I had to battle my flesh to go. I know God wanted me there so I went. It was good very good. A blessing to see young people being changed and going after God and wanting to share the love of Jesus to their classmates in school. Beautiful!
Now I am watching and listening to The Awakening at IhopU in the prayer room. I wish I could be there... I want to be there. I want to go to school there one day!!! AH!!! People are being healed! It is so amazing! People are coming to Jesus. GOD IS SO GOOD!
Man God has you in a place where He wants you at every minute for a reason. The timing is so perfect! The people in your lives from friends to just random people, they are all there for a reason. Embrace it and run with it! Run with them and it towards JESUS!!!
May you be healed!
May you be running!
To Christ
In to Christ,
Mary L D
Today I realized how amazing God is about bring people into our lives.
Well He has always been amazing at everything but it never really hit me till today.
God your leadership is perfect,
Your timing is perfect,
you love me so much (x2)
better than I could even imagine.
You love me so well (x2)
better than I could even imagine.
Sorry listening to the music going on in the Prayer Room at IhopU and they were singing that^^
Well anywho (Blessed be your name in the land that is plentiful, where your streams of abundance flow.) today I had woken up at the time I set my alarm, well the thing I didn't expect was for a friend to call me to see if I can take her to work. So I rushed Showered and changed in 30 mins and then sped to pick her up and take her to work. I did my make up in the car at every red light. [I am such a girl] [<<< not a song] Then I brushed my hair before I got out of my car at school to go in for BSM [Baptist Student Ministries] (I am so convinced that you are good x3 I will sing praise!). It was a crazy morning, no time to think. But Rusty the leader of the club brought us CHICK-FIL-A! I loved it!
We talked about Colossians 1:24-29. One thing he asked us was. "What must happen to us so we can be made more perfect in Christ?" Such a deep good question. Think about it.
I believe every day, every minute, every second is a good chance to be made perfect in Christ. We suffer every minute as Christians, being Christian is harder than not being one. We must battle the world and our flesh every second. So as we run this race that is marked out for us, as we walk the halls of our school or our job, we are fighting a spiritual battle. We can only win with God on our side. (For the eemy has been defeated and death couldn't hold you down, We are gonna lift our voice in victory, we are gonna make your praises loud!) Jesus died on that cross and fought for us so we may win. As we do our job and stay faithfull to Him and fight this battle we are made more perfect in Christ. We get so much more closer.
Then as I was taking my friend home after the meeting, before I went to work. We talked and it was such a blessing. Brought me so much joy and encouragement. It also reminded me that people are watching me [not only non-Christians but also Christians] and they take everything I do. That I am an example also to those who are my sisters and brothers in Jesus. Guys! People are watching you they take your life and use it, it can hurt someone or encourage them to the fullest. I was talking to my friend Kafui and we were talking about how God is really working in her. She told me "Mary your life and your walk has been a big encouragement to me in my life. Just how you keep going after the Lord and how you just kept praying for your father and how it worked and he changed so much" I was like wow... You know? We also are not happy in the place where we are living, not where we wanted to be, BUT we are both noticing God has so many reasons why and we both can not wait to see what happens this semester. I have this high school girl named Amy in my heart since the first time I saw her on the first day of school. I prayed to God to show me who He wants me to talk to and it was her. Tomorrow I am going to talk to her, she knows I am Christian, she seen me read my bible and she always looks ALOT when I am reading it. So pray for those who God wants you to talk to. I am a bit nervous but I know God wants me to and He will make a way, you just gotta let Him.
Then went to work, I love my kids and I know they love me so much. I think I am there favorite. Alot of the kids tell me that I am their favorite "teacher" there haha :) It makes me happy, I always hug them and tell them I love them. They can see I care for them and want the best for them. They know I am strict and if they are good and listen I will be a cool person and we will have fun. I love them. I just want to take all of them to Jesus Camp and show them Jesus! They mostly aall come from broken homes and lives. It is so sad. They need love. Working there is not easy, as a Christian you are battling the world and the enemy and his demons while you are there. The kids are so hard to love, I have the love that God has for them in me, that is the only way I am surviving.
COME JESUS COME
I just got home from church about 30 minutes ago. I went to youth group today, I had to battle my flesh to go. I know God wanted me there so I went. It was good very good. A blessing to see young people being changed and going after God and wanting to share the love of Jesus to their classmates in school. Beautiful!
Now I am watching and listening to The Awakening at IhopU in the prayer room. I wish I could be there... I want to be there. I want to go to school there one day!!! AH!!! People are being healed! It is so amazing! People are coming to Jesus. GOD IS SO GOOD!
Man God has you in a place where He wants you at every minute for a reason. The timing is so perfect! The people in your lives from friends to just random people, they are all there for a reason. Embrace it and run with it! Run with them and it towards JESUS!!!
May you be healed!
May you be running!
To Christ
In to Christ,
Mary L D
God Does Know and Answers
[I wrote this on Tuesday night... but it went into Wednesday at midnight so this is my TUESDAY BLOG!]
Man... I was so blessed to have the Life Group I do. God has been doing so many amazing things trough it and bringing so MANY people to Jesus! God is so good!
Sometimes in life... There are so many unanswered questions and they are not answered for A LONG TIME but when they are and in God's way... IT IS AMAZING!
When God tells you that He Loves you! When you think he never listened or cared, when you think He was nowhere, BUT... BAM! He hits you! Like not a Bam (A hit on your forehead) BUT LIKE BAM! You’re shaking, you’re crying, you’re overwhelmed, you’re smiling, you’re just SO FREAKING HAPPY and YOU FEEL BRAND NEW again! Like you’re like GOD!!!! YOU ARE SO AMAZING! Man God did that to my friend Susi, she told me her story from this weekend and I told her mine from Onething and we were so happy and in tears. Want to know mine?
If you don't stop reading then because I ma say it!
Well it started off at the onething conference. I walked in and I got this overflowing sorrow and pain in my heart. I started crying so much I cried till I feel asleep at the hotel. I kept hearing "you are not good enough, you are not like your friends there, look at them dancing, look at them so happy, you’re not like them you’re not Christian, God does not love you, just go die, you’re not good enough." I was hearing those thoughts for like the past month at that time. I was brought up being "Strong, Independent, and Perfect." being Christian... is the total opposite of it, so I am hard on myself and I am having to learn how to be "Humble, Dependent on God, and know I am a sinful person".
Well the next day on Tuesday I fasted and hid from all the 30 people I was with, waiting for God to come, praying and pushing through worship to praise Him, I cried I kept seeking God. I kept asking Him to talk to me, send someone I don't know to come pray over me. I wanted to know things, to come heal me.
God never showed up.
Wednesday- I ate a bit of breakfast. I went to the prayer room once I got to the conference and I sat in there praying to God and asking for the last time to come. Then I saw this lady walking around praying with so much authority and boldness, I got this desire to talk to her. By the time I got the courage to talk to her she was gone.
Then I went back up to the conference and sat there. Then at lunch break I feel asleep on the chairs like a bum and then I woke up and heard God say "Go to the prayer room." I said "I can't God everyone is hurt that I keep going away and not being with them." He replied "I don't care. Go to the Prayer room." So I went.
I sat at the back of the room on the floor praying and reading Isaiah. I looked up and there the lady was walking in and she sat in the chairs directly right in front of me! I was like whoa! And then I just prayed "God please let her walk out of the room and I will go after her to talk to her, let me talk to her." Then I went back to reading and then like 3-5 minutes, as I finished Isaiah 9, I felt someone stand beside me. I looked up and IT WAS HER! YES THE LADY! Then I tapped her leg and she looked down at me. I said "Sorry but I have this desire to ask you to pray for me, I seen you since this morning and been wanting you to pray over me." She said, "Did I pray for you last night?" I said "No, I saw you for the first time this morning." She replied, "Oh ok. What is your name?" "Mary" Then she kneeled beside me and put her hand on and she sat their quiet and then she put her hand on my head and started speaking tongues! [I LOVE WHEN PEOPLE SPEAK TONGUES WHEN THEY ARE PRAYING FOR ME!]
Then she said: "Mary is your faithful servant your precious daughter, your beautiful daughter, your pure daughter." <<< At that point I struggled a lot with my confidence and my looks; I thought I was ugly and horrible. I had struggled with lust and I had the pains of me almost losing my virginity...3 times... when I was Christian... scars...
Then she said: "Mary is your faithful servant your precious daughter, your beautiful daughter, your pure daughter." <<< At that point I struggled a lot with my confidence and my looks; I thought I was ugly and horrible. I had struggled with lust and I had the pains of me almost losing my virginity...3 times... when I was Christian... scars...
Then she spoke tongues again and said: I rebuke the mind control the devil has on her! I rebuke it! The thoughts she has are not hers. They are the lies of the devil! <<< The thoughts I mentioned above, the ones where I was not good enough. I was like NO WAY (in my head) THAT IS WHAT IT WAS?! THAT EXISTS?! WHOA!!! THAT’S WHY?!!! I also wondered why I thought the thoughts I did.
Spoke tongues again, then said: She is going to be a forerunner God a strong amazing forerunner, a preacher, a woman saving souls after souls bringing them to you Jesus. <<< I had been praying to God to tell me if I was suppose to go to IhopU and the school is called Forerunner School of Ministry! I know forerunner is evangelist... but it meant more to me at that time :)
Spoke tongues again then said: You are going to get married; you are going to be a wonderful wife with an amazing husband. You are going to have amazing Godly children. You’re going to have a God Fearing household <<< I had been praying for a long time for God to let me know if I was going to get married, I always feared I wasn't going to and I WANT A FAMILY I WANT TO BE MARRIED! And if I were to get married I thought I was going to be like my mom (not really good), I use to be told by dad and sister that I was "just like mom" "going to be like mom" and I thought I was going to bring down my husband and ruin the marriage. You don't know how good I feel because of knowing that now.
Then she spoke tongue and said: I stop the cursing from the witch craft that is on her... I rebuke the demonic stuff over her, in her life. I give Mary discernment on knowing what is your will for her and what you tell her, and not let the devil confuse her on your will for her. That the devil will not trick her; that she will know the difference between yours Lord and the devils. <<<(This just made sense to me today, well yesterday its midnight now lol) I been hearing voices while I pray lately, the devils mocking voice, and a girl/woman crying out to God to save her while two guys are arguing.
Tongues then said: I stop the early deaths in her blood line. No more will people die young, no more will there be problems in her blood line. <<< I have lost to sisters before one at 3 and one at 19. I almost died at 8 months. Family dies young too.
Tongues, spoke: God I pray for the demonic separation in her family, I rebuke it in Jesus name, bring her family back to her, unit them back together. God I pray that her family will see her as the light and that they will find salvation. They will find salvation! God I pray that it will be soon, so she can have a Christian foundation at home in her parents. So when she comes home she has a Christian home to fall into. I pray for her family separation and salvation let it come soon because she is tired of it she needs her family back. <<< I am the only Christian in the family. Parents are divorced. Mom has not spoken to me since August and is "Christian”. Dad is married to Martha, Dad thinks good deeds get you into heaven, he doesn't care really. Sister is a "Jehovah’s Witness" and her kids don't care either. I cry a lot about being the only Christian in the family. It’s hard.
Tongues and spoke: God I proclaim her as Mary of Bethany, Mary of Bethany. She sits at your feet Jesus with her tears. Let her be a child at your feet. Mary of Bethany! <<< I loved it! Mary of Bethany is the woman who sat at Jesus' feet crying and cleaned His feet with perfume and dried it with her hair. I also wrote a poem that morning, because I had asked God to let me know that He loves me and this is what he told me:
My beloved daughter
My sweet daughter
Oh How I love you with all my heart
The tears I have seen you cry
I have all counted and the more to come I will not miss one.
The joy you will have when I get to hold you
will be more than the numbers of tears you have cried.
Then she said: I proclaim Freedom over Mary. MARY YOU ARE FREE! Freedom, Freedom, Freedom... FREEDOM!
Then she got up and left... never found out her name.
And since then.. I been able to dance and I AM SO HAPPY! SO FREE!!!! I even started dancing and jumping like 5-10 minutes later after that happened :) ITS SO GOOD!
Keep going after God and He will come in His timing, He loves it that you are still praising Him through the darkest of time, the driest of time! He is there, even though you don't feel Him.
GOD IS SO GOOD!
So just know that God does care and listens.
GOD IS SO GOOD!
So just know that God does care and listens.
God loves you!
In Christ,
Mary L D
I'm trading my sorrows,
I'm trading my shame,
I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord!
I'm trading my sickness,
I'm trading my sickness,
I'm trading my pain,
I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord!
YES LORD YES LORD YES YES LORD! AMEN!
~ Trading My Sorrows by Darrell Evans.
. Monday, February 01, 2010
The Intro to Me?
So Hello My Loves,
I am going to try to learn how to write a "blog" of my life a bit from now on. I think there is something wrong with my memory, I intend to forget things a bit, important things, it's bad.
Well let me introduce my self:
I love sunflowers! It reminds me of Jesus on a cross :
I love thunderstorms! I see and feel God:
The thunderstorm had also passed an hour before :) SOOOO GOOD. GOD IS SO GOOOOOOD.
I gave my life to Christ on Saturday September 29th 2007. YES I REMEMBER!!!! BECAUSE THAT IS WHEN I WAS BORN AGAIN!!!! Why wouldn't you remember your birthday? Especially the most important birth in ones life?
Lets see... What else can I tell you?
My favorite book of the bible is Esther. SHE IS ONE AMAZING WOMAN!!!!!
Favorite verse(s) : 1 Peter 5:6-11
My Favorite song of all time is Blessed Be Your Name. [There is a reason behind it... You will get to know if I keep writing in this and you keep reading the post.]
I want to go to IhopU = International House of Prayer University.
I am trying to graduate by the end of this December so this time next year I will be living in Missouri going to IhopU! Right now Money seems to be the only reason why I can not go... BUT I KNOW if God wants me there I will have the money!
Lets be a Praying machines!!!
Well its a bit late... I have to do some quick reading for class tomorrow, need to shower, NEED to write a letter but that may wait till tomorrow? and hit the bed!
OH!!! How could I forget?!!! I LOVE CONVERSE!!! :)
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!
God Bless!
In Christ,
Mary L. D.
I am going to try to learn how to write a "blog" of my life a bit from now on. I think there is something wrong with my memory, I intend to forget things a bit, important things, it's bad.
Well let me introduce my self:
- Name: Mary Lynn De Loa
- Age as of right now: 19
- School: Richland Community College (That is where God wants me)
- Religion: >>>>>>ITS NOT A RELIGION!!!! ITS A RELATIONSHIP!!!!! SO I HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY FATHER GOD!!!! WHO LOVES ME! JESUS IS MY SAVIOR!!!
I love sunflowers! It reminds me of Jesus on a cross :
- The black inside is the sins of the world that Jesus has taken on the cross.
- The yellow flower peddles are us His followers, we are the light of the world, Jesus gave us His light when He died on that cross and took our sins.
- Also they still shine in the grayest of days.
I love thunderstorms! I see and feel God:
- Lightening: Gods power and beauty
- Thunder: God saying "I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU" to the world.
- Rain: Gods blessing, mercy, grace, peace touching us.
The thunderstorm had also passed an hour before :) SOOOO GOOD. GOD IS SO GOOOOOOD.
I gave my life to Christ on Saturday September 29th 2007. YES I REMEMBER!!!! BECAUSE THAT IS WHEN I WAS BORN AGAIN!!!! Why wouldn't you remember your birthday? Especially the most important birth in ones life?
Lets see... What else can I tell you?
My favorite book of the bible is Esther. SHE IS ONE AMAZING WOMAN!!!!!
Favorite verse(s) : 1 Peter 5:6-11
6Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
8Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
10And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.
Deuteronomy 4:2424 For the LORD your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God.
Song of Solomon 2: 7
Song of Solomon 2: 7
Do not stir up nor awaken love
Until it pleases.
Song of Solomon 4:7Until it pleases.
You are all fair, my love,
And there is no spot in you.
And there is no spot in you.
My Favorite song of all time is Blessed Be Your Name. [There is a reason behind it... You will get to know if I keep writing in this and you keep reading the post.]
I want to go to IhopU = International House of Prayer University.
I am trying to graduate by the end of this December so this time next year I will be living in Missouri going to IhopU! Right now Money seems to be the only reason why I can not go... BUT I KNOW if God wants me there I will have the money!
Lets be a Praying machines!!!
Well its a bit late... I have to do some quick reading for class tomorrow, need to shower, NEED to write a letter but that may wait till tomorrow? and hit the bed!
OH!!! How could I forget?!!! I LOVE CONVERSE!!! :)
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!
God Bless!
In Christ,
Mary L. D.
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