My desire in this darkness.

Have not written in over a month. Lets just say life was winning over me and now it is losing but still fighting.
There is so much in my heart, I do not even know where to began.
My heart hurts, my soul trembles, I feel so lost.
I love Jesus with all my heart, but have I truly found His Joy?
I am questioning it now.
If I had found it, wouldn't I be ok? Not going through the rollercoaster of emotions? Would I not always be joyful and not have these depression parts once or twice a month? Since you know happiness is temporary.
What is it that is dragging me down? What is making me so vulnerable to my emotions, vulnerable to the pain?
All I want is to be happy forever and truly feel it, to truly live it out and not fight with this pain, this sorrow, this abandonment.
Lately I been feeling like God is not there again, like he has abandon me, but I know he hasn't I know I have let myself back away from Him. I do not know how, I think I do but I do not know for sure. I just want to know He still loves me, I KNOW HE DOES I KNOW, but I want to feel it, I want to see it, I want to hear it, I want be told by Him.
With a life where I have been hurt and or abandon by my own family especially my parents, it is hard to know the true love a parent. God is my Father, my Mother, my real parent but I need to know the love much more.
I hate that I am testing Him, I know I should just know that He does and accept it, but I just need to know, like a baby needs to know someone loves them by touch and words. I am a child in need of a parent's love.
I wonder if my life really does show who Jesus is? Does it show that God loves you?
All these scars in my life is it real enough, were they worth it? Yes, Yes they are. Everything I have gone through is for my Lord who loves me. I do not hate these scars, I have no shame for I know I am free and pure. What is the point of living in darkness? I need out, full out.
God,
I just pray that you come and save me from this darkness that is so gripping.
Come and tell me, come and show me, come and touch me.
I need to know, I need to see, I need to feel.
I wait for you my Lord.
I will step back but I will never part away.
I know I am a step back right now but please may you take the step forward this time.
Grab me and hug me, whisper your words into me. I need you.
My heart, my soul, my whole being desires you.
Come Father come.

Amen

Grace will win this for me.

So a lot has been happening but I feel like a new person.
As if I have nothing to worry about anymore. Spending the week with Diann at her house and just being alone in a room for while between work on Friday and Saturday was amazing. Phone turned off, no internet, just my bible and me.
I been trying to debate if I am suppose to go to IhopU this August and not finish my associates or do I go through it all and fight through the boredom and hatred of school and graduate in December.
I have decided to stay unless God throws me off and screams at me "NO YOU LEAVE IN AUGUST!" There is no other way that I am going to leave till December.
I am going through a lot of changing right now, from the way I dress and look (trying to look more mature), from depending on God more and let Him change me and my desires. Leading me more into knowing the man He has picked for me. Letting Him speak to me more through His written words.

I really want summer to come though almost done with school :) Yay! Till next fall or maybe July may take two online classes.

O my dove, in the clefts of the rock,
In the Secret places of the cliff,
Let me see your face,
Let me hear your voice;
For your voice is sweet,
And your face is lovely.
~Song of Solomon 2:14

I may not be a perfect man but I’ll still stand
Yeah I’m counting on grace to win this race for me in the end
~ A Perfect Voice - The Classic Crime.

The end of it.

Sometimes I wonder why I am like this.
Where I get the attitude I just do not care anymore about anything.
This is how I feel, the confusion leads me to hell.
I have no place to rest in this confusion.
It is as if I am just standing in a room full of doors.
Moving my head around and around
Spinning around and around
Which door? Which door?
Where is the key? Which door will unlocked?
Where is my heart?
Where is my mind?
Where is my soul?
All in this confusion, tears stream down my face.
The light is blinding me.
The darkness is over powering me.
Everyone watching, waiting for me to walk through the door.
The spot light shining through the darkness.
Those watching do not see that the darkness is full.
Full of lies, full of pain, full of sorrow.
The thoughts that run through my mind.
Never will I know what they are.
To many to many to many to care.
Their touch is burning, their touch is pain.
Lord I have no where else to go.
Lord I fall on my knees to your feet.
Lord these tears come and wipe them away.
Lord open the door to my path.
Where do I go I can not go anymore longer.
The pain Lord you know how I feel
Lord you know the thoughts running through my mind
The thoughts I can not even capture.
I am in so at the brink of this life,
Lord give me a new life, a new will to keep going.
A new heart so I can love like you do.
Give me the obedience Lord to keep running this path.
Give me the words to sing through this darkness.
Let me shine as a testimony with only your light.
Not with the light of this world.

"So I will run into Your open arms I've got nowhere else to go."
~The Count by The Classic crime.