So a lot has been happening but I feel like a new person.
As if I have nothing to worry about anymore. Spending the week with Diann at her house and just being alone in a room for while between work on Friday and Saturday was amazing. Phone turned off, no internet, just my bible and me.
I been trying to debate if I am suppose to go to IhopU this August and not finish my associates or do I go through it all and fight through the boredom and hatred of school and graduate in December.
I have decided to stay unless God throws me off and screams at me "NO YOU LEAVE IN AUGUST!" There is no other way that I am going to leave till December.
I am going through a lot of changing right now, from the way I dress and look (trying to look more mature), from depending on God more and let Him change me and my desires. Leading me more into knowing the man He has picked for me. Letting Him speak to me more through His written words.
I really want summer to come though almost done with school :) Yay! Till next fall or maybe July may take two online classes.
O my dove, in the clefts of the rock,
In the Secret places of the cliff,
Let me see your face,
Let me hear your voice;
For your voice is sweet,
And your face is lovely.
~Song of Solomon 2:14
I may not be a perfect man but I’ll still stand
Yeah I’m counting on grace to win this race for me in the end
~ A Perfect Voice - The Classic Crime.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
The end of it.
Sometimes I wonder why I am like this.
Where I get the attitude I just do not care anymore about anything.
This is how I feel, the confusion leads me to hell.
I have no place to rest in this confusion.
It is as if I am just standing in a room full of doors.
Moving my head around and around
Spinning around and around
Which door? Which door?
Where is the key? Which door will unlocked?
Where is my heart?
Where is my mind?
Where is my soul?
All in this confusion, tears stream down my face.
The light is blinding me.
The darkness is over powering me.
Everyone watching, waiting for me to walk through the door.
The spot light shining through the darkness.
Those watching do not see that the darkness is full.
Full of lies, full of pain, full of sorrow.
The thoughts that run through my mind.
Never will I know what they are.
To many to many to many to care.
Their touch is burning, their touch is pain.
Lord I have no where else to go.
Lord I fall on my knees to your feet.
Lord these tears come and wipe them away.
Lord open the door to my path.
Where do I go I can not go anymore longer.
The pain Lord you know how I feel
Lord you know the thoughts running through my mind
The thoughts I can not even capture.
I am in so at the brink of this life,
Lord give me a new life, a new will to keep going.
A new heart so I can love like you do.
Give me the obedience Lord to keep running this path.
Give me the words to sing through this darkness.
Let me shine as a testimony with only your light.
Not with the light of this world.
"So I will run into Your open arms I've got nowhere else to go."
~The Count by The Classic crime.
Where I get the attitude I just do not care anymore about anything.
This is how I feel, the confusion leads me to hell.
I have no place to rest in this confusion.
It is as if I am just standing in a room full of doors.
Moving my head around and around
Spinning around and around
Which door? Which door?
Where is the key? Which door will unlocked?
Where is my heart?
Where is my mind?
Where is my soul?
All in this confusion, tears stream down my face.
The light is blinding me.
The darkness is over powering me.
Everyone watching, waiting for me to walk through the door.
The spot light shining through the darkness.
Those watching do not see that the darkness is full.
Full of lies, full of pain, full of sorrow.
The thoughts that run through my mind.
Never will I know what they are.
To many to many to many to care.
Their touch is burning, their touch is pain.
Lord I have no where else to go.
Lord I fall on my knees to your feet.
Lord these tears come and wipe them away.
Lord open the door to my path.
Where do I go I can not go anymore longer.
The pain Lord you know how I feel
Lord you know the thoughts running through my mind
The thoughts I can not even capture.
I am in so at the brink of this life,
Lord give me a new life, a new will to keep going.
A new heart so I can love like you do.
Give me the obedience Lord to keep running this path.
Give me the words to sing through this darkness.
Let me shine as a testimony with only your light.
Not with the light of this world.
"So I will run into Your open arms I've got nowhere else to go."
~The Count by The Classic crime.
Monday, April 05, 2010
Not me.
I just can not figure out anything right now, my mind is so juggled with so many thoughts. I can not even think straight, I do not know how I feel, what I should be thinking at the moment, I am about to explode. I am having to fake it when I am with my father, he thinks I am just tired. I am not tired... I am a mess.
I can not stop crying I hope he does not come in and see me crying. How do I speak to a father who loves me but does not understand the spirit?
All I can say is... I just don't know.
That is the best way I can explain how I feel.
I want all of this to pass, I want to be all smiles and not have to fake it to the world that I am not falling apart. It hurts to be sitting here on the floor of my room crying my eyes out typing out my heart with no one going to read it or know the truth.
Lets just say I "hate" God for not giving me a Christian family, I hate it and I want to know why He did this to me and I do not want to hear "Because God knew you could handle it"... bullcrap. I clearly can not handle it and it is the thing that leads me to the breaking point, always.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I clearly need someone to comfort me, I need someone to encourage me, I need someone. I know God can do this but I need some physically, in front of me.
I hate that I have to go to people who are not my real parents, why can I not just go to my father here at home?
Well duh because God gave you an unbelieving father.
Why not your mother?
Well it kind of does not help that your own mother doesn't speak to you.
Sisters?
Two sister gone. My oldest sister, not believer either
Stepmom?
Well because she doesn't even speak to me and is more of an unbeliever that any of the above.
All alone in this big world.
I hate it.
I want to scream more than anything.
I want to punch something.
All this anger, all this saddness, all this pain, all these thoughts, all this darkness, it scares me.
I do not like being like this, I feel like the person I was when I was not saved.
I just can not stop crying. I feel so horrible. I do not like how I am feeling or acting. It is not me, not the Mary who is in Christ.
Like if something other than Me in Jesus is consuming me.
My spirit is so troubled.
I just feel like God has just abandon me on the side of the road in the desert.
I know He hasn't I know He is around. I know He wants me, I know He is hurting with me. I know He loves me. I know He cares. I know. I know. I know. You do not have to tell me.
But I just feel like He is not around.
I feel so alone in this big world, so alone.
I am so scared.
I know that my God is an Awesome God.
But there is to much darkness.
In Christ,
Mary L D.
I can not stop crying I hope he does not come in and see me crying. How do I speak to a father who loves me but does not understand the spirit?
All I can say is... I just don't know.
That is the best way I can explain how I feel.
I want all of this to pass, I want to be all smiles and not have to fake it to the world that I am not falling apart. It hurts to be sitting here on the floor of my room crying my eyes out typing out my heart with no one going to read it or know the truth.
Lets just say I "hate" God for not giving me a Christian family, I hate it and I want to know why He did this to me and I do not want to hear "Because God knew you could handle it"... bullcrap. I clearly can not handle it and it is the thing that leads me to the breaking point, always.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I clearly need someone to comfort me, I need someone to encourage me, I need someone. I know God can do this but I need some physically, in front of me.
I hate that I have to go to people who are not my real parents, why can I not just go to my father here at home?
Well duh because God gave you an unbelieving father.
Why not your mother?
Well it kind of does not help that your own mother doesn't speak to you.
Sisters?
Two sister gone. My oldest sister, not believer either
Stepmom?
Well because she doesn't even speak to me and is more of an unbeliever that any of the above.
All alone in this big world.
I hate it.
I want to scream more than anything.
I want to punch something.
All this anger, all this saddness, all this pain, all these thoughts, all this darkness, it scares me.
I do not like being like this, I feel like the person I was when I was not saved.
I just can not stop crying. I feel so horrible. I do not like how I am feeling or acting. It is not me, not the Mary who is in Christ.
Like if something other than Me in Jesus is consuming me.
My spirit is so troubled.
I just feel like God has just abandon me on the side of the road in the desert.
I know He hasn't I know He is around. I know He wants me, I know He is hurting with me. I know He loves me. I know He cares. I know. I know. I know. You do not have to tell me.
But I just feel like He is not around.
I feel so alone in this big world, so alone.
I am so scared.
I know that my God is an Awesome God.
But there is to much darkness.
In Christ,
Mary L D.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
One thing missing.
Its been a while I know i am sorry... I got a new job.... at Freebirds.
I am so tired.... already 39 hours and I only asked for 25-30 :/ I am so dead... so much homework.... I am behind... AHHHHHHHH
So I cried alot this morning... I just... lets say hate my life right now. I want to give up and hide in a corner and cry till I die... I am so tired... physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I am tired of hearing people's crap and their problems. Why do people always have to come to me? Do I have a big sign on my head that says "COME TO ME WITH YOUR PROBLEMS AND I WILL SAVE YOU?" NOOOOOOOO I am not Jesus.... It is like come on.... You are Christian... You know you need to go to Jesus with this and stop coming to me with the same problem over and over again when I have tried to help you and have given you advice! It is like seriously!
I sound so mean I know but I am running on little right now and my own heart is breaking right now. I myself am falling apart and I have no one to go to. The awesome woman of God that I go to is to far and she is busy too, so it is hard to talk to her. Then Mrs. Breaux my awesome "Mother" is busy too and we barely can talk. I just want to scream at everyone that comes to me and tell them to leave me alone!
I just can't handle other problems right now when I can not handle mine. I know it is most likely my fault because I have not spent time with God :(
I just can't handle this anymore.
It is hard working at freebirds, so draining physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I need Jesus to survive there and I have not been feeding myself The Word.
It is not only that but like I hate holidays a lot. Because it is all about family and I really do not have one. Seeing people at my church with their entire family together and have plans already is a stab in the heart. Not only people at church but also non believers get together with family on the holidays. It hurts seeing them all together and all I want is a family. To sit and have food with and enjoy the day. But no I have to wake up early, get ready to go to church and go alone. Then walk into church with everyone with their family (kids back from school or family in town) and me sitting there alone it hurts.
I could not stop crying at church, it hurts so much. I think I am going to switch church and find one that has more teens/young adults. I just can not handle the big family church. It hurts to much, always has hurts and it is getting worse.
The Lindsey family came to church today so it made me happy I got to sit and cry in Mr. Terry Lindsey arms during church. I love that family, they are seriously my spiritual family, they even told me a while back that they have "adopted" me :) Now I just wish I could really live with them permanently.
This is why I want to be married already... To be part of something I could call My Family.
Not because I am tired of being single, I am actually happy being single.
I want more in my life Lord
More of Your touch
More of Your voice
More of Your presences
Lord come soon
I can not make it anymore
I need a hand to guide me
I need someone to carry me
I need someone to wipe these tears away
My heart is breaking
My light is dimming
This darkness is consuming.
I need something beautiful
Something that will show me
Show me this is worth living through.
I need you more than ever.
My heart knows you
My mind knows you
But my spirit is a stranger
My heart knows you love me
My mind knows you love me
But please tell my spirit.
One thing is missing
Your spirit meeting mine.
In Christ,
Mary L D
I am so tired.... already 39 hours and I only asked for 25-30 :/ I am so dead... so much homework.... I am behind... AHHHHHHHH
So I cried alot this morning... I just... lets say hate my life right now. I want to give up and hide in a corner and cry till I die... I am so tired... physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I am tired of hearing people's crap and their problems. Why do people always have to come to me? Do I have a big sign on my head that says "COME TO ME WITH YOUR PROBLEMS AND I WILL SAVE YOU?" NOOOOOOOO I am not Jesus.... It is like come on.... You are Christian... You know you need to go to Jesus with this and stop coming to me with the same problem over and over again when I have tried to help you and have given you advice! It is like seriously!
I sound so mean I know but I am running on little right now and my own heart is breaking right now. I myself am falling apart and I have no one to go to. The awesome woman of God that I go to is to far and she is busy too, so it is hard to talk to her. Then Mrs. Breaux my awesome "Mother" is busy too and we barely can talk. I just want to scream at everyone that comes to me and tell them to leave me alone!
I just can't handle other problems right now when I can not handle mine. I know it is most likely my fault because I have not spent time with God :(
I just can't handle this anymore.
It is hard working at freebirds, so draining physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I need Jesus to survive there and I have not been feeding myself The Word.
It is not only that but like I hate holidays a lot. Because it is all about family and I really do not have one. Seeing people at my church with their entire family together and have plans already is a stab in the heart. Not only people at church but also non believers get together with family on the holidays. It hurts seeing them all together and all I want is a family. To sit and have food with and enjoy the day. But no I have to wake up early, get ready to go to church and go alone. Then walk into church with everyone with their family (kids back from school or family in town) and me sitting there alone it hurts.
I could not stop crying at church, it hurts so much. I think I am going to switch church and find one that has more teens/young adults. I just can not handle the big family church. It hurts to much, always has hurts and it is getting worse.
The Lindsey family came to church today so it made me happy I got to sit and cry in Mr. Terry Lindsey arms during church. I love that family, they are seriously my spiritual family, they even told me a while back that they have "adopted" me :) Now I just wish I could really live with them permanently.
This is why I want to be married already... To be part of something I could call My Family.
Not because I am tired of being single, I am actually happy being single.
I want more in my life Lord
More of Your touch
More of Your voice
More of Your presences
Lord come soon
I can not make it anymore
I need a hand to guide me
I need someone to carry me
I need someone to wipe these tears away
My heart is breaking
My light is dimming
This darkness is consuming.
I need something beautiful
Something that will show me
Show me this is worth living through.
I need you more than ever.
My heart knows you
My mind knows you
But my spirit is a stranger
My heart knows you love me
My mind knows you love me
But please tell my spirit.
One thing is missing
Your spirit meeting mine.
In Christ,
Mary L D
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