Salt In the Snow

Dear Father God,
I just do not know what to do, I feel like crap. I love you so much, I know I do, but I feel sick. I feel like "The whole head is sick, and the whole heart faints, From the sole of the foot even in the head. There is no soundness in it, but wounds and bruises and putrefying sores; They have not been closed or bound up, or soothed with ointment." (Isaiah 1: 6)  I know you love me, but there is something in me that is keeping me from you, there are memories good and bad battling for top spot. My soul cries out to you lord, but sometimes it feels like you are not listening anymore. I feel like I have let you down, more than anything. My soul cries out to you Lord to come, I need to know you love me truly, to know you forgive me. The reminders of my past visions of when you were with me, or carrying me is not enough. They are winning over the reminders of my flesh past but still very feeble. Lord why did you not come this past weekend? I cried to much, it made me more sorrow it opened up my wounds, bruises and sores. Why have you let them open again? No it wasn't you who opened them, it was me. God why have I done such a thing? Please Lord the enemy attacks with lies, he attacks so much scratching at my sores. I want to know you Lord again. I want to feel you. As I read the first chapter of Isaiah all through I feel like the city.
"How the faithful city has become a harlot! It was full of justice; Righteousness lodged in it, but now murderers."  (Isaiah 1:21) I feel like this is what I have done to you. I feel like I have turned against what is You, my flesh is beckoning to come back, I will not but it is so hard... I am at the line fighting myself to stay on your side Lord. I can not do this, You need to come, I need you to come more than anything.
I know you will come I know I am pure in your eyes, because of Jesus. I know he died for me, I know you love me. I know all of that in my mind and my heart, but my soul seems to still be on the battle field.
"Ah, I will rid Myself of My adversaries, And take vengeance on My enemies. I will turn My hand against you, And thoroughly purge away your dross, And take away all your alloy.  I will restore your judges as at the first, And your counselors as at the beginning. Afterward you shall be called the city of righteousness, the faithful city." (Isaiah 1:24-26) “ Come now, and let us reason together, Says the LORD, Though your sins are like scarlet, They shall be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, They shall be as wool" (Isaiah 1:18)  I pray right now this is a season where you are just breaking me over and over and over to make me into a much more stronger vase. I feel like my vase has water dripping out of cracks, nothing is staying in. I am so thirsty for you Lord, please come to me soon. I am always yours, you know my heart, you know what I need. You know the tears I am crying. Please come and restore me, make me feel white as snow. Make me feel like a righteous and faithful "city" again.

God please come I need you more than anything. I need you.

Give me wings,
Give me peace.
These are the things that I need.
I'm tormented, broken and shamed
Are you listening? (Are you listening)?
Give me shelter from the storm,
I know it's a lot to ask for,
Considering how recent I've piled the dirt on your name.
Are you listening? (Are you listening)?
Are you listening?  
~The Classic Crime - Salt In the Snow.
 Salt In the Snow (Song)   <---- click to hear the song.

My real estate
My life is dull
And dried up like the sound
A voice makes when the heart grows cold
And it’s going that way
~ The Classic Crime - Seattle
Seattle (Song)     <----click to hear the song.

 I love The Classic Crime, there new release songs are the way I been feeling...

In Christ,
Mary L D