Not me.

I just can not figure out anything right now, my mind is so juggled with so many thoughts. I can not even think straight, I do not know how I feel, what I should be thinking at the moment, I am about to explode. I am having to fake it when I am with my father, he thinks I am just tired. I am not tired... I am a mess.
I can not stop crying I hope he does not come in and see me crying. How do I speak to a father who loves me but does not understand the spirit?
All I can say is... I just don't know.
That is the best way I can explain how I feel.
I want all of this to pass, I want to be all smiles and not have to fake it to the world that I am not falling apart. It hurts to be sitting here on the floor of my room crying my eyes out typing out my heart with no one going to read it or know the truth.
Lets just say I "hate" God for not giving me a Christian family, I hate it and I want to know why He did this to me and I do not want to hear "Because God knew you could handle it"... bullcrap. I clearly can not handle it and it is the thing that leads me to the breaking point, always.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I clearly need someone to comfort me, I need someone to encourage me, I need someone. I know God can do this but I need some physically, in front of me.
I hate that I have to go to people who are not my real parents, why can I not just go to my father here at home?
Well duh because God gave you an unbelieving father.
Why not your mother?
Well it kind of does not help that your own mother doesn't speak to you.
Sisters?
Two sister gone. My oldest sister, not believer either
Stepmom?
Well because she doesn't even speak to me and is more of an unbeliever that any of the above.

All alone in this big world.
I hate it.
I want to scream more than anything.
I want to punch something.
All this anger, all this saddness, all this pain, all these thoughts, all this darkness, it scares me.
I do not like being like this, I feel like the person I was when I was not saved.

I just can not stop crying. I feel so horrible. I do not like how I am feeling or acting. It is not me, not the Mary who is in Christ. 
Like if something other than Me in Jesus is consuming me.
My spirit is so troubled.

I just feel like God has just abandon me on the side of the road in the desert.
I know He hasn't I know He is around. I know He wants me, I know He is hurting with me. I know He loves me. I know He cares.  I know. I know. I know. You do not have to tell me.
But I just feel like He is not around.

I feel so alone in this big world, so alone.
I am so scared.

I know that my God is an Awesome God.

But there is to much darkness.

In Christ,
Mary L D.